Silent Hill: The Nameless Parody 3
by EternalFlare
Summary: The Third Installment: Walter decides to continue the Sacraments by hunting down Eileen and Henry ... can the gang stop him? Final Chapter up: Henry finds mega surprise, and Walter meets super bad guy! Eveyone goes out for ramen, and Godzilla strike! Over
1. Chapter 1: Life Continues

**An EternalFlare production . . .**

(_Thunder Kiss '65 by White Zombie plays_)

**Presented to you by the ever burning 'EternalFlare' . . .**

_(Camera zooms in on South Ashfield Heights)_

**In collaboration with EternalFlare . . .**

(_Camera enters South Ashfield Heights, begins to go up the stairs)_

**Proudly presents to you:**

(_Camera stops in front of Room 302_)

**SILENT HILL: THE NAMELESS PARODY 3**

**(DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT READ '**_**The Nameless Parody**_**' OR '**_**The Nameless Parody 2**_**')**

**Starring:**

**Henry Townshend**

**James Sunderland**

**Maria Pyramid Head**

**Tom the Pyramid Head**

**Robo **

**Crono**

**Frog **

**Richard Brainfart**

**Amarant Coral**

**Walter Sullivan**

**Written by:**

**EternalFlare**

**Produced by:**

**EternalFlare**

**WordPerfect 11**

**Based on true events . . .**

**NOT!**

(_Thunder Kiss '65 stops)_

Chapter 1: Life Continues

'_I've got another confession to make—_'

'James . . . just shut up.'

'Okay, Henry. . . ._ I needed somewhere to hang my head!_'

'Seriously! If you're going to ride in _my_ car, you're going to shut up!'

'Fine. _IS SOMEONE GETTING THE BEST, THE BEST, THE BEST—_'

'_JAMES, SHUT UP!_'

James was silent.

'Ahem. So, you got a job at Staples?'

'Yeah!' James piped eagerly as Henry's car rolled down the streets of Ashfield.

'Just to clarify . . . you know that Staples does not _just_ sell staples?'

'Yes,' James sighed.

'Okay,' Henry breathed. 'Just, after you tried to buy a house at Home Depot, I have to be cautious.'

'You silly goose!' James laughed as Henry pulled over and let the blonde out. James waved Henry goodbye as the brunette took off in his car, heading for Taco Bell. Skipping while humming, Mr. Sunderland entered Staples with a spring in his step.

— — — _Taco Bell, ten minutes later_ — — —

Henry finally got his retarded uniform on and walked (as slow as could be) to the speaker. 'Welcome to Taco Bell, how may I help you?' he asked, trying to have some enthusiasm.

'Yes, I'd like some spaghetti,' came the customer's voice.

'Uh . . .' Henry said, 'this is _Taco Bell_, sir. We do not serve spaghetti . . . on weekdays.'

'Well, then how 'bout some lasagna?'

'Nope, we don't serve that either.'

'A hamburger, then!'

'_WE ONLY SERVE TACOS!_' Henry screamed.

'Screw this! I'm going to Burger King!' The customer peeled out of the drive-thru.

'Yeah, you can stick that burgerup your—'

'Henry?' came his boss's voice behind him. 'Yeah, Henry, we _kind_ of saw what ya did . . . that's, that's, that's, that's not the proper way to address a customer when they order something not on the menu.'

'Then what, O fountain of all knowledge, do I do?'

'Yeah, you just give them a burrito and claim that it's what they ordered.'

'I thought that my pudding tasted a lot like a quesadilla . . .' Henry mused.

— — — _South Ashfield Heights_ — — —

'This is lame.'

'No it's not.'

'Yeah, this is just lame.'

'No it's not, give it a try!'

'Maria, this is re-tar-ded.'

Maria had Tom duct-taped to the side of South Ashfield Heights, the third floor, and were standing on the tip of the fire escape.

'Look, every relationship needs excitement!' Maria pleaded.

'NOT near death experiences!' Tom added.

'Tch, fine, be that way.' Maria untaped Tom.

'Crazy . . . psychopathic . . . brunette . . .'

'_I AM A NATURAL BLONDE!_' Maria screamed as she took off after Tom.

— — — _A nightclub — — — _

'Can't let you through.'

'Look he-ah, toof guy, you'sa gonna let us inta dis club, 'else we'sa gonna break yeh arms.'

'Not happening,' Amarant Coral said, standing to full height and cracking his knuckles.

'No one tells Tony what's gonna happen!' Tony (I guess) said as he punched at Amarant. Amarant grabbed his arm snapped it, and threw him extremely high — Tony flew over buildings and fifty miles before he came down.

'Next,' The Flaming Amarant asked as he resumed his laid back stance.

— — — _Inside the nightclub — — — _

'Look man, you just gotta, gotta, just gotta, you, you, you just gotta _go_ with the _flow_, alright man?' said a very drunk Crono as he leaned heavily on Frog. 'I, I don't, I don't, I don't care if the Queen is human, man, if you can dream it, man, you, man, you, no, man, no, you can do it.'

'But she be married to the King!' Frog cried in sadness.

'Man, man, _FUCK_ the king!' Crono yelled as he slammed his drink down, 'you, you gotta be . . . your own, man, man! 'Cuz . . . there are like, people, man, who try to conform you, man, they try, they try to, to change you. But, you, you just gotta, like, you gotta go . . . with the flow!'

''Tis not meant to be, however. For I am now stuck inside this time.'

'Man, dude, Frog, man, Frog, dude, man, you can overcome even that if you, just, like, if you just, like, just try, man.'

'Thou art correct, Crono,' Frog said. 'Even in a stupour, thou carrieth wisdom! Bless thou!'

'Man, I, man, no, _no_, man, I've, man, I've seen these things countless times.' Crono then stood atop the bar and screamed 'Listen up, peeps! My bro (burp) Frog . . . _is a man_! And . . . even, even though I may put you down, dude, I really, dude, you know, dude, you know that I, man, I love you man. You're like my, like my brother, man, and . . . _I love you_!' Crono then fell backwards and crashed to the floor.

'Cheers!' he said as he raised his arm weakly. He then passed out.

'The third time today,' Robo sighed as he sprouted a medical stretcher.

— — — _A little farther from the Chrono Gang — — — _

'Beers are on me!' Richard Brainfart screamed as he sat at a round table with a bunch of older guys. 'And the victor gets ten more, that the others buy!!'

The old guys each began to chug, Richard pounding his fist on the table has he stood gradually, then slammed his mug on the table while screaming '_Yeeeeeeeeah!_'

'Man, Brainfart!' the guys screamed as they paid for his beer. 'You're still the best in the whole bar.'

'I'm the best in the world. You know why?'

Author: Because you're Richard Brainfart . . .

'And you _know_ it!'

— — — _Am I forgetting anyone besides . . . oh, Eileen!_ — — —

'Why am I not in the story?' Eileen pouted as she lay in Henry's bed, alone.

Author: Shut up. I'm just cutting to everyone so I can sum up what's happened since the last parody. And now, to further the plot:

— — — _The Staples parking lot_ — — —

'Okay, mom,' Walter Sullivan said to his mother as they snuck behind a car, 'James Sunderland works here. Henry Townshend will be coming by to pick him up — when that happens, we attack, kill Sunderland, and immobilise Townshend! It's genius!'

'Yes,' Walter's mother said, 'it is. You're a big boy now — yes you are! Yes you are!'

'Mommy, stop it!' Walter giggled. Suddenly a blue car, blaring Soundgarden, pulled up. Out stepped Henry Townshend, who abruptly bolted for the Staples door. Then out stepped Tom the Pyramid Head.

'Thanks for the ride, Henry,' Tom called, 'Maria's gotten psycho on me.'

'I know what you mean there,' Henry called back

'Okay Mommy,' Walter said, stretching out, 'this is it!' Walter ran after them.

'Walter, wait for meeeee!'

—_To Be Continued . . . _

— — —

_Who is Walter's mom? Are Henry and James safe? Does Pyramid Head and Maria's relationship have enough excitement!? Tune in next time for more 'The Nameless Parody 3'! W00t!_


	2. Chapter 2: Mommy Dearest

Chapter 2: Mommy Dearest

'James!' Henry cried as he entered the Staples building.

'Sweetheart!' James yelled as he skipped to Henry.

'What?'

'Nothin'.'

Tom shuffled in, robes bloody and a wallet in his hand. 'We should make this quick,' he called. The party was almost out of the door when the screen—err, I mean, the room, flashed green, and they were knocked back several feet. A familiar voice laughed from their left.

'Henry Townshend!'

The trio turned to see Walter Sullivan floating in midair, arms outstretched to his sides and a pipe in his hand. A gloating smile was upon his ugly—

'_WHAT!_?'

—I mean, . . . handsome . . . —face. Henry stood and drew the revolver, aiming it at Walter's head precisely. 'Twas then that 'Jenova Absolute' played, and Jenova popped up from the ground. Walter, still laughing like an _idiot_, floated away.

'You hurt my little boy,' Jenova scolded as it took its 'Birth' form. Tom pulled out his spear and assumed Cid's stance — Henry cocked the revolver and assumed Vincent's stance — James stood there, drooling.

'James?' Tom whispered. James snapped back to reality.

'Oh, battle, right — let's see . . . big tree monster. Pipe? No . . . plank? No . . . spade? No . . . enormous sword? _YES!_' He pulled out the Great Knife (where it was in the last parody, ask him).

'_IT WAS YOU!_' Tom screamed upon seeing this. James shrugged as Tom growled and turned back to Jenova. 'I searched that town high-and-low for that thing!'

'Later!' Henry screamed at Tom as he shot Jenova and stepped back. 'Why do I have such low speed!?'

'Because you are using a lightweight handgun, while we use enormous, iron weapons,' James said as if it were obvious.

Jenova thwacked Henry with her tentacle; James darted forward and 2X-Cut'd her; Tom used E. Skill 'Shadow Flare'; Henry cast Wall on the party; Jenova shot Henry with a beam that nearly killed him; James summoned Typhon; Tom cast Ultima; Henry brought up his Limit Break options.

'_ALL I HAVE IS HELLMASKER!?_' he cried in despair. He changed it reluctantly to Cure3 and restored his health to full. 'I guess there's no easy option in life.'

James got his Limit Break then, and used Meteorrain.

'. . . I hate this story . . .' Henry growled quietly.

Jenova used Death on Henry, sending him onto his stomach. With a low moan, Henry passed out. Tom cast Haste on himself, giving him a turn after James — James cast Life2 on Henry, who stood up cursing; Tom cast Mighty Guard on everyone; Henry cast Knights of the Round upon Jenova.

'Die!' Jenova screamed as she began to swirl red and black.

'Uh oh . . .' Tom said.

— — — _A Bar in Ashfield_ — — —

'Your shift over?' Brainfart asked Coral as the red-head threw off a lame black vest that all bouncers at this (inhale) club had to wear. Cracking his knuckles, Amarant nodded. Brainfart sighed and opened the door to his car, bidding Amarant to get in. Though it was a tight fit, Amarant managed.

'Pedal to the metal!' Brainfart cried as he took off down main street, heading straight for South Ashfield Heights.

'Richard,' Amarant said nonchalantly, 'haven't you been drinking?'

'And?' Brainfart asked.

'Well, that is illegal and very, very dangerous.'

'There's no danger!' Richard laughed as he jerked the steering wheel away from a car, then jerked it back to avoid hitting a pole, then jerking it again to get centred on the road. 'Let's put something on!' Hitting the radio, 'Down' by Stone Temple Pilots came on. 'Woooooooooooooo! I love this song!'

So their car roared down the road as Brainfart sang (off-key) '_Yeah, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl!_' Amarant gripped the sides of the the seat as the car shook violently, and a loud screech was heard. Richard lost control of the car, and they veered into a building!!!!!!!!111

— — — _Room 302_ — — —

'All, all, all I'm saying, man, no, man, all I'm saying is: there shouldn't be, there, there should be no age limit for drinking!'

'Is he drunk?' Maria asked as Crono lay on her lap while she watched television in her underwear and a bra.

'Yea, he be hammered,' Frog admitted.

'I'm not, I'm not drunk,' Crono moaned, 'you're drunk!'

'How dost thou figure?'

'You got the, the thing, and you . . . and then . . . and I . . . I'm thirsty!'

'Well I can fix—' Maria began.

'Have a beer, Crono!' Robo offered.

'Thou fool!' Frog screamed.

'_Wanna tell you 'bout the girl I love . . . my she looks so fine — now she's the only one that I've been dreamin' of, maybe some day she will be all mine—_' Crono began slur in that loud voice that people use when they're drunk.

'Does he sing Led Zeppelin every time he gets drunk?' Maria asked.

'You should have heard him sing "When The Levee Breaks" . . .' Robo beeped.

'Or the time when he tried to play "Stairway To Heaven",' Frog added.

'When the audience booed him, he cast Luminaire. Wasn't pretty.'

'You, you, you know,' Crono said, touching Maria's face softly, 'you're really, really, you're really, I think you are, you're really, you're, you're, I think, I think, I think you're . . . . _preeeeetty_ . . .' Crono passed out and snored loudly.

'. . . anyone wanna prank him?' Maria asked.

'Yup,' Robo beeped as he pulled out a fake moustache.

— — — _A big pile of rubble_ — — —

'That . . . was . . ._ AWESOME!_' Richard screamed as he stood up. Amarant ripped the door off its hinges and fell out onto the sidewalk, examining the wreck. The front of the car was wedged in a brick wall, and had collapsed some of the building on top of the car.

'Richard,' Amarant sighed, 'I hope you have insurance.'

'Nope!' Richard yelled as he began to walk away.

'You can't be serious!?'

'It was a borrowed car anyway.'

'From who?'

'Umm,' Richard said as he pulled out a wallet, taking out the driver's license. 'Carl Johnson.'

'Don't know him.'

'Neither do I. Stole it from a _Speedway_. Heh!'

'You're a lunatic,' Amarant whispered as he followed Brainfart.

— — — _Staples_ — — —

'Die!' Jenova screamed.

'Screw Active Time Battle!' Henry roared as he littered Jenova with hundreds of revolver rounds. She slowly collapsed and . . . _disappeared_!111!

'Whew,' Tom said, 'dodged the bull—'

'_MOMMY!_' Walter screamed. 'First you kill my dreams, then you kill my mommy!? Now I'm really gonna kill you!'

'You know, that was just rude.'

'What?'

'I was in the middle of speaking, and you just interrupted.'

Walter frowned. 'But I knew what you were going to say before you said it.'

'Still,' Tom pouted, tearing up, 'that . . . that doesn't give you the right to just interrupt me.'

'Well, it's not like—' A shot rang out, and Walter fell to the ground.

'Nice diversion,' Henry said as he blew the barrel of the revolver and left the room.

'. . . no "thank you" or "good job" — just "nice diversion",' Tom sulked as he left the room.

'I'm four!' James exclaimed happily as he skipped after the two.

— — — _Room 302's bedroom — — — _

'I'm so lonely . . .' Eileen sulked as she lay curled in a ball.

Author: (you could just leave the room, you imbecile)

'If only there was someway out of here!'

Author: (Try the door.)

'Wasn't there a door around here?'

Author: (I'm not sure you even deserve to leave the room after that question.)

'I thought it was in that general area,' she said thoughtfully as she pointed to the door.

Author: (. . . possibly . . .)

'Maybe if I break a window!'

Author: (Oh yeah, that's a wonderful idea. Because Henry TOTALLY won't mind you breaking the window to get out of a room that has an open door. Eileen, you're a genius and your intellect could revolutionise the world.)

'Hmm . . . three stories . . . I can make it!'

Author: (Yes, you could, if the ground wasn't solid concrete.)

'I like bunnies!'

Author: (. . . . . . . . . . . . no comment.)

'Omg, the d00r!'

Author: (Omg, th4t 15 50 1337!)

'Darn it, it's jammed!'

Author: (Possibly because it's a _pull_ door, and you are _pushing_.)

'I'll call 911!'

Author: (Oh man, I gotta see this.)

'But I don't know how to use the phone!'

Author: (Disappointment follows me like a vapour trail.)

'Back to bed!' Eileen snored insanely loud.

Author: (Is she gone? She's sleeping? Okay. Ahem.) And now, to Brainfart and Amarant!

— — — _Hey, you don't say that! — — —_

Author: It's my story. Write your own if you want full creative control.

— — — _I hate you so much — — —_

Author: Would chocolate change your mind?

— — — _I'm a disembodied voice, you imbecile — — — _

Author: Ugh . . . just, just cut to Brainfart.

— — — _(Fine, screw you too) Brainfart and Amarant — — — _

Brainfart was passed out cold on the concrete, thirteen beer bottles littered around him. To his side stood Amarant, leaning against a wall.

'. . . this sucks,' Coral stated bluntly.

Author: True—

— — — _Not as much as the Author!_ — — —

Author: Okay, that's it. (Pull out a baseball bat and begins to beat the Narrator _DOWN_.) Ahem. Will you be good?

— — — _Yes master . . . — — — _

Amarant stood there, lost for words. 'C-could you cut to someone else? Honestly, what's the point of staying here!? The man is _out cold_, and I've got nothing to do. Go to Room 302 or Staples or something cool.'

Author: Okay . . . (checks something on a clipboard) add Amarant to the list . . .

— — — _Room 302_ — — —

'What, what, what, what is this?' Crono slurred as he teetered back and forth on his chair. A bowl full of many different substances sat before him.

'I swear it's a love potion,' Maria purred as she stroked his chin.

'Really, really, it's a love, really, really, it's a potion, really, of love, it's a love potion?'

'You bet.' Maria withdrew from Crono, and stood beside Frog.

'Okay, kay, okay, yeah, okay, okay, yeah, I'll, okay, yeah, alright, I'll eat it, alright, yeah.' Crono whirled his head around in a circle, eyes vacant, and, swallowing deeply, crashed his face into the bowl, stuffing his face in the concoction.

'Yes!' Maria screamed, high-fiving Frog and Robo.

'That was truly a sight, and he shall be angry if he discovers what was inside that.'

'Vinegar, urine, blood, horse radish, plastic, Frank's umbilical cords, the leg of a mannequin demon, and Walter's kidneys,' Maria recounted.

'We should leave ere he awakens,' Frog said hastily as he retired to his chambers.

'Maria, what shall you do? Where shall you sleep?'

'I'll sleep with you,' she purred (**Purr count: 5**) as she stroked Robo's tin exteriour.

'Madame, are you a sexoholic?'

'Yes,' Maria sighed. 'I'm trying to get help, I really am. But the doctors can't prescribe medicine for . . . this . . . _hunger_.' She stroked him harder.

'Maria.'

'Oh, there it is again. Man, I can't wait 'til Tom gets here.' She shuddered and grinned.

'You must really love him,' Robo said as he rolled away.

'A few parts,' Maria said nervously as she walked into the back.

— — — _Staples_ — — —

The three (Henry, Tom, and James, for my readers with short attention spans :P ) got in Henry's car and sped off for South Ashfield Heights.

— — — _Is that it?_ — — —

Author: Umm . . . . . . yup.

— — — _Why'd you bother switching?_ — — —

Author: . . . oh, yeah!

Walter Sullivan groaned as he picked himself up. Sheathing his pipe, he gritted his teeth and ran off. 'I guess I'll start with _20121_ . . . mua ha! Mua ha! _MUAHAHAHA—_!' He then hit a tree, and fell limply to the ground.

'I hate you,' Sullivan gasped as he recovered.

— — — _Room 302, Ten minutes later — — —_

'Rock, paper, scissors . . . paper!' Eileen cried. 'Dangit, you beat me again!'

Author: Eileen, you're playing an actual pair of scis— . . . you know what? I'm not getting involved in this.

Suddenly Walter Sullivan burst through the window and landed on the bed, bouncing up into the ceiling fan and being thrown into the closet. Cursing, he stood beside Eileen.

'I've come to kill you!' he cried.

'Walter! Yay! Wanna play rock-paper-scissors!?' Eileen giggled.

'You're on! Rock, paper, sci— wait, no! You remember that I'm trying to kill you?'

'OH yeah! I have a choice!' She kicked him in the balls.

'Hah! I have no need for children, so I cut them off!' Walter declared triumphantly.

Author: (containing uncontrollable laughter) . . . You, sir . . . are gay to the extreme.

'Not as gay as Frog.'

'I second that!' Eileen added.

Author: Wait . . . didn't you get shot at Staples?

'Yea, but I was wearing a bullet-proof vest!' Walter cried, proud.

Author: Yeah, that's cool . . . but didn't Henry shoot you in the head?

'Look, we could stand here questioning the nature of reality all day, but I don't feel like it. Now, let's kidnap Eileen!'

— — — _Room 302, five minutes later — — —_

'Hello Henry,' Maria purred (**Purr count: 6**) as the trio walked through the door. 'Mmm . . . hey . . . _Tom_.'

'Hello honey,' Tom sighed as he picked Maria up with his superhuman strength and carried her to their room. James wiped away a tear from his eye.

Frog picked up a note on the counter. '_If you ever want to see Eileen again, you will come to Silent Hill — you have one day. — Walter Sullivan_.'

'Cool,' Henry sighed as he went to the bathroom. The door closed, and slight dripping could be heard — then the door flew open, Henry spilling out into the hallway, screaming '_WHAT!?_'

Frog repeated the letter.

'Oh,' Henry laughed as he went to his room. Once in his normal clothes, he grabbed the axe and the revolver. 'Everyone! Gather 'round!' Everyone gathered around him. 'We're going on a rescue mission!'

'Where?' Maria asked nonchalantly.

'_To Silent Hill!!!!!_' he cried, pointing at the sky and holding 'Hill' for several minutes. 'Everyone get ready.'

— — — _Two minutes later_ — — —

'Everyone ready?' Mr. Townshend asked as he stood by his car.

'Yeah,' everyone sighed.

'Shouldn't we bring Richard and Amarant?' Robo asked.

'Nah, they'll catch up. I left a note.'

— — — _On 302's counter — — —_

_We're in Silent Hill. Eileen got kidnapped, and we have to go help her. So, yeah, if you want to help, then feel free to head to Silent Hill. With love, Henry XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO :-D_'

— — — _Back to the car_ — — —

'Let's go!' Henry cried as he climbed in the car. When everyone was in, they took off . . . for Silent Hill !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

_To be continued . . ._

— — —

_Finally! Is Eileen safe? Will Henry and co. make it in time? Will Richard and Amarant make it at all? Tune in next time for: Chapter 3!_

_P.S. GET 'DOWN' BY STP OR YOUR BRAIN WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST. YOU HAVE ONE DAY._


	3. Chapter 3: A Passage To Paleville

Chapter 3: A Passage to Paleville

'_Watch high, know why, this feeling inside me says it's time I was gone — clear head, life ahead, it's time I was king and not just one more pawn — __**fly by night, don't worry from here; change my life again — fly by night, goodbye my dear! Ship is a comin' and I just can't pretend.**_'

'James, shut up.'

'I thought you liked Rush!' James whined as the car whizzed down the road to Silent Hill.

'I like Rush,' Henry grunted. 'I like Geddy Lee — I don't like you singing it.'

'But we sound exactly the same!'

'James . . . you sound like a sheep dying on a highway during a thunderstorm.'

'Well, you obviously haven't heard yourself. All the windows busted, a cat died, and suddenly I had diarrhoea!'

Silence ensued.

'Is Crono still drunk?' Henry asked.

'No!' screamed Crono very loudly.

'Yes,' Maria said.

'You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you suck!'

'If the pay is right.'

'Eww!' everyone said at the same time, except Tom, who laughed briefly: 'I got a freebie.'

'Dude, don't you have a crib in Silent Hill?' James asked Tom.

'Well, it was my bro's,' Tom replied. 'Maria and I stayed there before Walter hired us — but we couldn't stand it anymore.'

— _The Flashback of Doom —_

_Maria and Tom are on a bed making love, Maria dressed normally for once, and Tom in his . . . customary . . . robes. Gradually, their breathing and kissing—_

Tom: And groping . . . do not forget the groping.

— _. . . and groping . . . grew faster in pace, until Maria had to stop._

'_Now I remember why I married you!' she growled as she tugged at his helmet._

'_You ever do it to music?' Tom smirked as he hit the radio — 'Otherworld' (from FFX) came on. 'What? I had Tom Sawyer in!'_

_Suddenly Jim the Pyramid Head opened the door. Maria screamed a little, and Tom quickly undid his robes, spreading his legs. 'Die!'_

'_Whoa . . .' came a VERY stoned Jim's voice. 'Can I borrow your . . . . . . . . . . . . . uh . . . I forgot. Sorry to bother you.'_

_After a pause, Maria and Tom got back at it._

_Then the door opened again._

'_You're naked!' Jim giggled._

— _End Flashback —_

'Talk about the invasions of the privacies!' James said as he looked at the camera. The audience laughed generically.

'Shut up,' Henry sighed as he continued driving.

— — — _Richie and Amarie — — — _

'Dude . . .' Amarant muttered, 'was that . . . Henry's car?'

'How would I know?' Richard screamed. 'Yes, it was.'

'. . . you're creeping me out.'

'I excel at that.'

The two were walking along a highway, that passed through Silent Hill in a few miles — also leading through the centre of Ashfield.

'They are heading for Silent Hill, it seems,' Amarant concluded.

'Hey, I went there once,' Richard mused. 'For a . . . err . . . business call . . .'

— _Flashback —_

'_Hey Candy!' Richard yelled as he stood outside of Heaven's Night, which was across the street from Heaven's Knight, a mediaeval restaurant (where they filmed 'The Cable Guy') (Not really) (Yeah, really) (No, I'm just kidding) (Or am I?)._

_A purple-haired girl, dressed skimpily, strutted up to him, holding a cigarette._ _'Yeah daddy?' she said._

'_You owe me my money!' Richard bellowed as he toted around that awesome revolver he used to own._

'_Yeah, I'll pay you back on Thursday, daddy.'_

'_You'll what?' Richard asked quietly._

'_I'll pay you back Thursday.'_

'_Okay . . . but, that could present a problem . . . because on Tuesday, you'll be hanging from a utility pole by a belt . . .'_

_Candy pulled out a wad of dollars. Richard took them quickly and left._

— _End Flashback —_

'. . . okay. Let's, uh, let's follow them.' Amarant walked towards Silent Hill, shaking his head. Richard followed closely behind.

'But not too close,' Richard added.

But not too close. I–Is he gone? Ahem. But he was way up in Amarant's grill.

'I heard that!' Richard screamed, swinging back with the crowbar raised.

You heard nothing! (Narrator runs off)

'How many people do you have on your staff?' Amarant asked.

Author: Well . . . Narrator . . . Announcer Guy . . . Me . . . well, they're all me . . . so about one.

'About one?'

Author: . . . _one_.

Amarant snickered.

— — — _In the Car, that's on the Road — — — _

'_The Road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began—_'

'James, I swear if you don't shut up, I'm going to drive this vehicle off the road.'

'—_how far along the road has gone . . . and I must follow if I can—_'

'That's it!' Henry jerked the wheel of the car violently, sending it off the road, into the grass, and sailing off a cliff, crashing violently in a rocky copse of . . . well, rocks.

Audience: (crickets chirp)

Author: (cocks shotgun)

Audience: (gasp) Ooooh!

'You _idiot_!' Tom yelled as he burst from the vehicle with a yell. He turned viciously to James. 'You couldn't sing something cool!'

'Hey, don't insult The Lord of the Rings!' James said, getting all up in Tom's grill . . . yo.

'Boys, boys, let's stop it!' Maria said, stepping between them. 'We have no car . . . yeah, Henry and James are idiots . . . but Eileen needs us!'

'Who?' everyone asked.

'Eileen . . . the woman we're rescuing.'

'Didn't she have black hair and a knife? I thought I killed her . . . twice!'

'No, that's An– . . . An— . . . . something with an "An" at the beginning!'

'_Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude_!' came Crono's voice from a short distance away, being supported by Frog and Robo. 'I was like: "whoa!"; and the car was like: "reeeeer!"; and I was like: "_HOLY CRAP! I SPILLED MY BEER!_".'

'Yeah,' Robo said. 'Well, I can call in some extra mobility . . .'

— — — _Five minutes later_ — — —

The party was riding Rush from Megaman. How they all fit, don't ask me.

— — — _Richie and Amarant — — — _

'So what are we gonna do once we get to Silent Hill?' Amarant asked as they trudged up the road.

'Well,' Richard said, 'I got a friend from college who might help us out if we're in a jam. A bit of a drunk, and pretty eccentric at times — but he's alright.'

'What's his name?' Amarant asked.

— — — _In Silent Hill, by Woodside Apartments_ — — —

A man in a long, red coat stood on the sidewalk, a jug of sake at his side, an enormous sword upon his shoulder, his coat's cowl obscuring his face, and a large scar across his right eye — he wore sunglasses.

He strutted down the street, left arm tucked safely in his coat. As he walked, he encountered a doorman, who was . . . 'riding' a mannequin.

'Hello,' said the doorman. 'How are you today, Auron?'

'I'm fine,' Auron said, slurring his speech a little.

'Are you still obsessed with that "Jecht" guy?'

'He's real, I swear to Yevon!'

'Sure . . . look, you may want to lay off the sake for a few years. I mean, after you tried to summon Sin in Zanarkand, things haven't been going your way . . .'

— _Flashback — _

_Auron stood upon a balcony, holding his jug of sake up before an enormous tidal wave. Slowly a form rose from out of the water . . . it was big, yellow, and feathery._

'_Fat chocobo!?' Auron cried in surprise._

'_Yup, tee-hee!' Fat Chocobo replied. Auron looked stunned._

'_What are you doing here!?'_

'_Oh, I like milk, and so when I saw you offering that jug full of it, I decided "Hey, he's offering milk." So then I thought, "Hey, maybe I could get it!"'_

_Everyone in Zanarkand looked up at him and laughed, calling him bad names and killing each other. Why they did the latter, I don't know, ask them._

'_Noone insults the name of Auron but Auron!' Auron raged, and used Tornado on the whole city . . . destroying it. He then took a swig of his sake._

'_Hmm . . . really is milk . . .'_

— _End Flashback — _

Auron paused, before swinging his sword and killing the Doorman. He then walked away, occasionally stumbling after taking a swig of sake.

_To be Continued . . . _

— — —

_Will the party make it in time? Will Richard and Amarant ever make it? Is Auron a raging drunk? Find out next time on: Chapter 4!!!!!!!_


	4. Chapter 4: Silent Hill the Musical

Chapter 4: Silent Hill the Musical

'_I'm goin' under, I'm suffocating, drowning but I'm holding on—_'

'No, James, we're not going through this again.'

'—_what keeps me breathin'? Don't have an answer, drownin' but I won't let go—_' Crono sang very loudly.

'No, honestly, guys, stop it.'

'_We go out in the world and take our chances — Fate is just the weight of circumstances — That's the way that Lady Luck dances — Roll the—_' Tom sang, before he shut up, noticing everyone staring at him.

'Wrong song,' Henry said slowly as he turned back to watching the road.

'Who likes that song?' Crono asked as he laughed.

'—_bones_,' Maria whispered loudly, and everyone looked at her. 'What? Rush is awesome!'

Author: You know, as much as I hate you, I have to agree with you there.

'Which Rush?' James asked.

'I'm confused,' Henry moaned.

'I'm hungry!' Crono bellowed.

Author: Rush the dog sucks, Rush the band is concentrated awesomeness.

'I cannot agree with you there,' Frog said, 'for their singer doth sound like a maiden.'

'I hate you,' everyone said at once.

Author: How did we start on this topic?

'I can't remember,' Tom said, scratching his privates. Everyone stared at him. 'What? I have herpes!'

'Oh yeah,' Maria laughed.

'So do you!' James cried.

'Oh yeah,' Maria groaned.

Author: Okay, let's move on.

All was silent, until James spoke up.

'_Well I get up at seven, yea, and I go to work at nine. I got no time for livin', yes, I'm workin' overtime. It seems to me, I could live my life, a lot better than I think I am. I guess that's why they call me . . . they call me the Working Man!_'

'Here we go again,' Henry moaned as he covered his ears.

— — — _Amarant and Richard — — — _

'Are you sure this will work?'

'No.'

'. . .'

'I'm just kidding!'

'. . . uh-huh.'

'(No I'm not!!!!!!!)'

Amarant stood despondently by the road, his hands holding a cardboard sign that said _**Heading for Silent Hill — will NOT kill you.**_ This, as you may assume, was Richard's idea.

'What?' Richard asked as he tapped his crowbar against his leg. 'These days, people need assurance.'

'Doesn't "_**will NOT kill you**_" sound a little suspicious?' Amarant sighed.

'How do you figure?'

'I'm not going to hit you, Richard.'

'Oka—_WHAT THE HELL DID YOU HIT ME FOR!?_'

'You aren't the brightest person in this story, I can see.'

'I'm still drunk, remember?'

'Oh yeah.'

A very, very, very long silence ensued.

'. . . you know, we could walk as we do this.'

'Oh yeah,' Richard said as he followed Amarant down the road.

— — — _Zanarkan—I mean Silent Hill — — — _

'Well Eileen, say hello to your new home!'

'Oh meh gawd!' Eileen screamed as she leapt up in down, clapping. 'The walls are pink! The ceiling is pink! The floor is—blue . . . _BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IS PINK!!!!!!!!_'

'I know!' Walter Sullivan said as he jumped up and down with her. 'I brought in an expert on home decorating, and—wait a minute! I'm trying to kill you! Shut up!'

'Tee-hee! Where are we?'

'We are in the Church of Silent Hill!'

'Are we?'

'Yeah.'

'Really?'

'Yes.'

'Truly?'

'_WE'RE IN THE CHURCH! SHUT UP!_' Walter stormed out.

'. . .'

Author: Everyone, cover your—

'_**PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK**_!' Eileen screamed, and it was heard worldwide.

— — — _On their way to Silent Hill — — — _

'_You can't have something for nothing — you can't have—_' James sang in a high-pitched falsetto when suddenly Eileen's voice hit them like a shockwave. Rush short-circuited, and the gang fell hard onto the pavement.

Author: Rush short-circuited! Nooooooooooooooooooo—

The dog.

Author: Oh.

It was then that several double-heads stomped up to them, and began to drag them away.

— — — _That was brief . . . oh: ten minutes later — — —_

'Wheeere aaaaam I?' James said as he stood up. Unfortunately, as he stood up, he fell off the double-head that was carrying him. They turned on him angrily. 'Oh, you wanna go?' James said, drawing his spade and bouncing up and down.

A double-head came in from behind and hit him with a frying pan.

'Why is the sky all erghaledly?' James said faintly as he fell to the ground. The ring of the frying pan brought Henry to consciousness, and he leapt out of the double-head that was carrying him's arms. Pulling out his axe, he killed one with a hack and then another, forsaking the axe and pulling out his revolver. As he blasted the double-heads he was tackled, and his gun was torn from his hands.

'Waaaark!' came a cry from down the street.

'Why is it so foggy?' Henry asked. He then spied a sign: **W31c0m3 2 Si13nt Hi11!!!111**. Moaning, he punched the double-head that had him on the ground.

— — — _Somewhere_ — — —

'Yes!' Walter cried as he watched the whole fight on a monitor. 'Oh yes, this is going much better than I expected! W00t!'

— — — _The Brawl — — — _

'Waaaaark!' came the noise again, and a big bird strode up to the scene. Upon it was none other than Auron (trumpet noise)!

'What the (hic) . . . every time I have something cool to say I (hic) . . . son of a (hic).' Shaking his head, he pulled out his awesome version of the Masamune and began to kick some double-head anus. When they were naught but a large pile of blood and gore, he rescued the gang and felt up Maria.

'Ooh, I like you,' she said as she stroked his forehead.

'Why are you stroking my forehead?' Auron asked.

'Because I can't reach your chin.'

'Whoooo are yooooo?' James said.

'Stop talking like that,' Henry said, collecting his two weapons.

'Whaaaaaaaat?'

'That.'

'I don't knooooooow—'

Auron hit James over the head with the flat of the Masamune. The blonde shook his head rapidly before walking away, speaking Chinese.

'What's with him?' Auron asked as he took a huge swig of his sake.

'We don't know . . . yet,' Henry sighed. 'His dad collects umbilical cords.'

'Cool.'

'And his mom, well . . .'

— _Flashback — _

Author: I got nothing.

— _End Flashback — _

'How devoted,' Auron said sarcastically.

'Yeah, that's our author. EternalFlare.'

'Everyone in this story hates him,' Tom said, 'except my wife, Maria . . . who wants to do him.'

'Maria wants to do everyone,' Henry replied.

'True that,' Maria said as she strutted past them.

— — (Strutter Plays) — —

'Whew!' Auron said as he took off his sun-glasses, 'I think I'm in love!'

Tom shot him an angry glare.

— — — _SUSPENSE! To the church — — — _

'_Are you still aliiiii-ee-ii-ee-ii-ee-ii-ee-ii-ee-ii-ee-ii-ee-ii-ee-ii-ee-ii-ee-ii-ee-ii-ee—_' Eileen said as she pranced around the room.

— — — _Uh . . . back to Walter, I guess — — — _

'Noo!' Walter screamed as he watched Auron save the gang. 'That Final Fantasy character—I mean man, rescued them! I must kill him!' Walter grabbed his pipe and stormed to some place. Several figures in the shadows stood there.

'What do you desire, master?' they all said in unison.

'I want you to lead the intruders on a wild crusade around the town in search of some useless objects that do nothing,' Walter summarised.

'Basically, you want us to turn this into an RPG?'

'Basically. You! Go to the Hospital. You! Go to the Hotel! You! Go get me a soda! You . . .'

— — — _The road_ — — —

'Let's just give up,' Amarant said as he threw the sign down.

'No! Didn't your mama ever—'

'Don't have a mom.'

'Didn't–'

'No dad.'

'—'

'Or brother, sister, uncle, aunt, grandma, grandpa, etc—'

'. . . didn't Freya teach you anything?'

'I got a divorce.'

'Your life is screwed up.'

'Tru dat.'

_To bE ConTiNUEd . . ._

— — —

_Ooooooh! Is Tom jealous? Who are Sullivan's servants? What is with James? Will Ammie and Richie ever make it?_

_Richard: Stop calling us that._

_Amarant: Or we'll kill you._

_Anyway, stay tuned in for: The next chapter!_


	5. Chapter 5: C0m3 45 U R

Chapter 5: C0m3 45 U R

The group was walking down some street, I'm too lazy to check which one, when suddenly a mysterious shadow appeared to James. It was shadowy, cloaked in shadows and black . . . like a shadow. Tall it was, and with a cape and big axe upon its back.

'Hey,' it said in a haaaaaaaaaazy voice.

'Hello!' James said happily.

'My name is . . . uh, "Bob". I've been trying to find a bag of cookies—'

'_COOKIES!?_' James screamed. He pulled out the pistol and aimed it at 'Bob'. '_WHERE ARE THE COOKIES!?_'

'Uh,' Bob yelped, startled by James's outburst. 'I heard they were in Brookhaven Hospital . . .'

'You mean the "**Super Awesome Dream Hospital**"?'

'. . . sure. Well, I'm going. You wanna come?'

'Not now. But I'll help you look for the cookies.'

'I just asked if—ewww! Naughty thoughts!' Bob cried as he ran towards Brookhaven.

'Stay away from my cookies!' James screamed as he shot after Bob while chasing him.

— — — _Not ten feet up the street — — — _

'Bob . . . how original,' Auron said as he shook his head. 'Huh? Oh. Ahem . . . "Where is James?"'

'"I do not know,"' Henry said as he looked at a piece of paper, '"but he is my . . . fren . . . fren . . . friend. He is my friend, and I must save him!"'

Author: We don't have any time for rehearsal. Sorry readers. Not every story has a massive budget.

'"Oh my, I believe I saw a shadow over there. Points east."' Henry pointed west.

'Other way,' Auron muttered. Henry turned and pointed east.

'"Let us go investigate,"' Maria said as she ran towards the hospital.

'No, no, I'm not doing it.' Tom threw down his script. 'I'm not going in that place.'

'Why?' Henry asked.

'That's where we met . . .' Maria purred (**purr count:** **too many**) as she stroked Tom's helmet.

'It's also where I killed you, and it's also where I met a bunch of morphine addicted zombie nurses, and got raped voluntarily!'

'What?'

'You never got raped in the hospital,' Robo recounted.

Author: You know, there were some deleted scenes . . .

'Oh, that one,' Robo said as he stemmed a laugh — somehow. 'You were all like "Oww, that hurts!" and he was like "You're a masochist!" and you're like "Oh yeah!" and then a bunch of chocobos ran across the screen.'

Author: . . . uh, what the hell are you talking about? That doesn't even exist.

'Oh . . . robot dreams . . . sorry.'

''Tis naught but a waste of time to squabble further!' Frog cried as he ran into the hospital.

'I have a line!' Crono yelled as he followed.

'Evil demon rape,' Robo muttered as he rolled into the hospital, 'it's a wonderful thing.'

'All aboard!' Henry yelled as he did the same thing.

'You're hot,' Auron said as he walked past Maria, into the hospital.

'I'm hot,' Maria said to Tom as she walked down the street.

'You're not going?' Tom asked.

'No . . . now we finally have "alone time".' She giggled.

'Naughty, naughty,' Tom muttered as he followed.

— — — _The road — — —_

'How . . . much longer . . .' Amarant asked as he and Richard trudged down the road.

'Knowing EternalFlare, a lot longer,' Richard bemused.

— — (Interstate Love Song plays) — —

'That's Maria and Tom's theme,' Amarant said weakly as he fell to the ground.

— — (Interstate Love Song stops) — —

'. . ._ leavin' on a Southern train, only yesterday—_' Richard began faintly as he passed out next to Amarant.

— — — _DRAMA! James — — — _

James found himself in a room with many mirrors inside of it, and no sign of Bob.

'Bob!' James screamed. 'Bob!'

Suddenly he saw an image of himself in one of the mirrors (wow).

'Cool, these mirrors work! But why am I not in the other mirrors—'

An image of James popped up next to his reflection. Then another, and another. 'Hello!' they said in unison, 'I'm James Sunderland!

Another beside it. And another. And another, and another, and another, and another, and another! AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!

'Nooooooooo!' James cried as the camera rotated in a circle around his head. His hands gripped his temples and his head began to shake.

'Join us, join us, join us, join us . . .' they chanted as one reached out to grab him.

'James!' came Henry's voice from behind the blonde. The brunette's hand seized James's hair, and tugged him back. The hair ripped out.

'Oww!' James yelled, and the camera stopped. 'That hurt! Jeeze!'

'Ahem,' Auron said. The camera resumed. Henry grabbed James's collar and pulled him out into the hallway. Frog slammethed the door.

— — — _The hallway — — — _

'Henry!' James cried as he bawled uncontrollably in Henry's arms.

'Dude, not now . . . seriously stop it . . . STOP!' Henry leapt away, wiping his shirt off frantically.

'I am not gay!' James yelled as he stood up and collected his composure.

'De-ni-al,' Auron whispered as he moved down the hallway.

— — — _Walter — — — _

'_Monkey see, monkey do—_' Eileen's voice sang behind the blonde as he drummed the rhythm to 'Stay Away' by Nirvana with a spoon.

'_I don't know why!_' Walter sang perfectly, '_— Rather be dead than cool — I don't know why! — Every line, ends in rhyme — I don't know why! — Less is more, love is blind — I don't know why!_'

'_**Stay! Stay away! Stay away! Stay away!**_'

'_Give an inch, take a smile — I don't know why! — fashion shits, fashion style — I don't know why — throw it out, keep it in — I don't know why! — have to have poison skin — I don't know why!_'

'You're a good singer, Mr. Walter!' Eileen giggled.

'Yeah, I used to be in a band. It was called "Arabian Monkey".'

'Were you the singer?'

'No. I played keyboards and synthesisers.'

'Then how does that contribute to your singing skills?'

'. . . I don't know. I just wanted to put that out there. I could pwn you in "Synthesiser Hero".'

'I played flute in the marching band!' Eileen warned.

'You wanna go?'

'You're on!'

— — — _Maria and Tom — — —_

Maria and Tom were walking down the street, singing 'Drain You' by . . . Nirvana.

Author: Dudes . . . that is totally not a love song! And why is everyone singing Nirvana today?

'Well, Walter gave everyone a copy of "Nevermind", Tom said as they walked into a diner — and 'Lounge Act' was blaring from the jukebox. Which, in case you don't know, is also by Nirvana.

Author: _WHY DID HE DO THAT!?_

'He gave you one too.'

Author: Oh.

'You know, you're quite a hypocrite,' Maria said as they sat down at a table. Suddenly the jukebox exploded, sending a huge shard of metal sailing at Maria, smacking her hard on the head and knocking her to the floor.

Author: Hypocrite, huh?

'Tom, do something!' Maria pleaded. Tom broke out in laughter.

'_OH MY SAMAEL, _that was _PRICELESS_!'

Author: Aww yeah! (High-five's Tom)

— — — _Ramarant and Aichard_ — — —

'_I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care_, _care if I'm old_' Amarant sang as they walked down the road. '_— I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind, mind, don't have a mind — Get away, get away, get away, get away, away, away from your home — I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, afraid, afraid of a ghost — __**Even if you have — Even if you need — I don't mean to stare — we don't have to breed — we could plant a house — we could build a tree — I don't even care — we could have all three — she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said!**_' Amarant then took a huge breath and collapsed.

Richard sighed. 'You better pay me good for this . . .'

— — — _The Super Awesome Dream Hospital — — — _

'Oh, good, you're off your Nirvana trip,' Henry said as the group stood by a door. 'We reached the door we were supposed to about an hour ago. You've been screwing around with everyone else, so we just waited.'

Author: Oh, sorry.

'Ahem,' Auron said as he took an enormous swig from his sake, 'let's do this.' They opened the door to find themselves in a large room with 'Bob' in it.

'Bob!' James screamed, 'did you find the cookies!?'

'Yes, I did!' Bob screamed as he threw several shurikens at the blonde. James broke out into a bunch of Matrix-style moves, leaping into the air in slow motion and twisting around, avoiding every single throwing star and pulling out his spade.

'Who are you?' Henry cried as he aimed the revolver.

'Bwa-ha-ha!' Bob yelled, 'if you must know ere you die . . .' Bob suddenly tore off a big, black piece of paper around his body, and revealed . . . _SPAWN!_

'Spawn?' James asked, 'why Spawn?'

Author: Because Spawn is awesome. Duh.

Spawn launched his chains at Auron, who swung his sword and knocked them all away. As he did this, James and Frog broke into huge runs and leapt at the comic-book character. Spawn dodged, and unsheathed his axe, charging James. Crono laughed and fell over. Robo, knowing that Crono would be of no use drunk, opened up his armour casing to reveal a _MASSIVE_ amount of artillery.

'Holy moth—!' James screamed as he dodged out of the way, and Robo opened fire. Plasma rifles, the Sister Ray, six gatling guns, ten heavy bolters, sixteen missile launchers, and four flamethrowers attacked Spawn simultaneously. Spawn blocked them all with his cape, and when Robo ceased his fire, the demon-man-thing-monster took his normal position.

'Ha!' he cried, 'you'll have to do better than—'

A shot rang out, and Spawn fell to the floor. Henry's revolver was smoking.

'EternalFlare, that is getting old,' Robo beeped.

'Where's Spawn?' James asked. Spawn's corpse was . . . . . . . gone!!!11111

'Well, I guess now we have to go to a crazy hospital,' Henry sighed.

'Why?'

'Because, it's in every Silent Hill, parody or not.'

Sure enough, everyone passed out. And when they woke up the whole hospital was—

_To Be Continued . . ._

— — —

_Was what? Will Amarant and Richard EVER make it? What is Walter's plan? What will Tom and Maria do? Did Eileen get stomped by Walter in Synthesiser Hero? Find out next time on: The Nameless Parody 3!_

_EternalFlare: Well, this is a new segment in the story. It's called 'Quality Time: With Richard Braintree!', and it's where we answer questions sent in by reviewers, PM's, or a forum . . . or sometimes completely made up! YOU NEVER KNOW!_

_Richard: Why wasn't I informed of this?_

_EternalFlare: Because you'd never accept it! Alright, let's get this on the road: Jake from Rhode Island mailed us — 'Hey Richard, you're awesome! Where were you born and raised, and what was your family like?'_

_Richard: Well Jake, I was born and raised on the 7__th__ level of Hell – just kidding! I was actually born in Canada, under the name 'Orlando Zerpetto'. My mom was 'Katelyn Zerpetto', and my dad was 'Dick Zerpetto' — where my name came from. I had a brother and a sister, Steve and Carol, who married each other. They've been excommunicated from the family. I also had a senile grandpa named 'Jethro Tull'. He died at the age of 400, but his memory lives on forever! Yeah . . . everyone ignored him, because he constantly said 'Where's my vitamins?' every minute of every day. He was killed by my father, who threw him in a woodchipper. I never asked why._

_I decided that I hated Canada, because their flag's symbol was the leaf. The leaf! Honestly, what does a leaf represent!?_

_EternalFlare: Uh, I think it represents their—_

_Richard: WEAKNESS IS THE ANSWER! I moved to America under the name 'Brainfart' . . . actually, Brainfart was caused by an error — I originally asked for 'Braintree', but '–tree' got lost in translation, and the guy added '—fart'. Don't worry. I killed him._

_So then I moved to Ashfield, where I've lived ever since. And now I'm travelling to stupid Silent Hill, and I doubt I'll ever get there at this rate._

_EternalFlare: Thanks. So, anyone who wants to, you can ask Brainfart a question by either reviewing it, or messaging me . . . or you could come over, that'd be nice . . . I'll put on a little Rush, we'll play Dawn of War, it'll be nice . . ._

'_Til next time!_


	6. Chapter 6: SADHO

Chapter 6: Super Awesome Dream Hospital Overdrive

Everything in the hospital was very, very, very screwed up. And I mean, like, really screwed up. Like, we're talking massive. The walls were all red, the floors were all grate — you'd be terrified.

'This place is screwed up!' James said.

'I concur,' Frog bellowed as he sat up, scratching his head. 'Why must there always be a **Super Awesome Dream Hospital** in these retarded stories?'

'Because,' Henry said as he sat up, 'the world wouldn't make sense without it.'

'Robo,' Auron said as he, too, sat up, 'do you, like, double-function as a fermentation device . . . thing?'

'Yes sir, I do, I may ferment up to seven hundred organic—' Robo began.

'_MAKE ME MORE LIQUOR!_' the Legendary Guardian yelled as he staggered down a hall.

'And me, too!' Crono said as he followed Auron. Then everyone followed Crono, who followed Auron.

Suddenly a nurse strutted up to them holding a revolver. Auron rushed at it with his sword — being drunk, he ran into a wall five feet away. Robo beeped and sprouted toast out of his sides. James screamed and fell to his stomach, screaming 'One has a gun!' Frog pushed a giggling Crono to the ground . . . leaving only Henry standing.

'Umm . . .' Henry said as he looked around.

— — (that duel song from 'The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly' plays) — —

'Go ahead,' the nurse said as she cracked her fingers, 'make my day.'

A long silence ensued as they stood there, with constant close-ups on their face getting closer and closer to their eyes.

Author: DRAW!'

Both the duelists reached for their guns, but Henry was faster, and managed to blast one round before the nurse took aim.

'W00t!' Henry yelled.

The shot missed.

'What!? GIVE ME A BREAK!' He dove to the side and came up firing rapidly.

'No fa—' the nurse began before she was hit in the throat and sent to the ground, flailing.

'Booya!' Henry yelled, laughing.

Click, click, click, click.

Ten nurses, all with revolvers, stood before him.

'Oh man . . .'

— — — _Walter and Eileen — — — _

Discarded packs of Fritos, cookies, Doritos, chocolate bars, soda, and other sweets, lay strewn about their two bodies that lay upon the floor.

'_Nirvana_ _. . . Nirvana . . ._' Walter sang weakly as he blinked lazily, having crashed from some serious partying. '_Nirvana . . . Nirvana . . ._'

'Wal– . . .Walter . . .' Eileen said faintly, 'you . . . you cheated.'

'Did not,' Walter yawned. 'I need a nap.'

Author: What, oh what, did you do?

— _Flashback — _

_Walter and Eileen stood in front of a PS3, jamming to Synthesiser Hero with keyboards suspended from their shoulders. Walter's fingers moved faster than your eyes could register — Eileen was keeping up, though. However, none of them were keeping up with Geddy Lee._

'_He's . . . not . . . human!' Walter struggled to say as he focused on the game._

_Then they consumed an enormous amount of junk food, giving them a massive sugar rush. They began to sing every Nirvana song in existence while leaping around the room. And that continued for a while, until they crashed on the floor._

— _End Flashback — _

Author: . . . you did all this . . . and DIDN'T invite me?

'Zzzzzzz,' Walter snored as he dreamed of little unicorns and dragons and lots of sugar.

— — — _Amarant and Richard — — — _

'Lose . . . some . . . WEIGHT!' Richard wailed as he struggled to drag Amarant with him down the road. Amarant, in case you've never seen him, is about 8 ft. tall, with enormous muscles and huge frame. Thus this was not an easy task.

'Need . . . forklift . . . and . . . Aquafina . . .' Richard gasped as he fell to the ground, finally giving up.

'What happened?' Amarant asked, waking up.

'I've been dragging you for an hour!' Richard panted.

'I know, I've been relaxing the whole time.'

Richard shook furiously, slowly standing up, eyes bulging from their sockets and his veins standing out.

'_**I'M GOING TO KILL YOU**_!' he screamed as he lunged for Amarant.

— — — _Maria and Tom_ — — —

'I love you,' Maria said as she held Tom's hand.

'I love you too,' Tom said. Maria smiled and turned her head away. Tom looked away and rolled his eyes.

They were watching two double-heads sumo wrestle in Midwich Elementary's boiler-room. Where the lizard was. You know, the thing that looked like a walking vag—

Author: Whoa, whoa, that's unnecessary!

—abond. What did you think I was saying? Anyway, the lizard that looked like a gigantic cu—

Author: DUDE!?

—p. Stop interrupting! Anyway, the place where Barry Lason killed that gigantic pus—

Author: I swear, I'm going to fire you.

—hover. What am I doing? Tell me what I'm doing!

Author: Just keep going.

. . . anyway, they were watching two double-heads sumo wrestle there.

'My money's on the fat one!' Tom yelled over the crowd.

'They're all fat!' Maria laughed. Tom frowned.

'You're fat!' he yelled as he turned away and huffed. Maria cocked her eyebrow and shrugged, watching the fight.

— — — _**Super Awesome Dream Hospital**__ — — — _

'Dag, yo . . .' James muttered as he watched Henry obliterate all the nurses. 'Your aim is amazing!'

Bullet holes were _EVERYWHERE_.

'Let's get going,' Auron sighed as he hit the elevator button. The gang got in the elevator, and took it down.

'_**Chew your meat for you — pass it back and forth — in a passionate kiss — from my mouth to yours — sloppy lips to lips — you're my vitamins — I like you**_,' James sang as the elevator went down.

'Why aren't you stopping him?' Frog asked Henry.

'Meh . . . I like the song,' Henry shrugged.

— — — _Four hours later — — — _

'_**You know we told you before — but you didn't listen then — so we you still question why — no, you didn't listen again**_ . . .' James sang weakly as the elevator continued to go down.

'I . . . need . . . sake . . .' Auron moaned as he lay in the corner, twitching in withdrawal.

'I need weed,' Henry sighed.

'I need me some sweet, sweet lovin',' Frog sighed. Everyone looked at him.

'Freakin' sicko,' James said as he nestled tighter into the fetal position. Suddenly the elevator came to a screeching halt, thrusting James into the air and into the ceiling, which he subsequently bounced off of and was sent into the floor. There he lay.

'Pop!' Robo beeped as he sprouted a bottle of sake.

'MEDICINE!' Auron screamed as he filled up his flask and began to chug. 'MUST GET DRUNK!'

'. . . let's go,' Henry said as he left the elevator. All but Auron followed.

— — — _Amarant and Richard — — — _

'How long have we been walking down this damned road?' Richard sighed.

'A long, long time,' Amarant responded.

'I thought everyone loved us . . . and then they leave us out here . . . to die . . . like animals!'

'Keep it together man, keep it together!'

'It's so hard!'

'That's what she said!'

— — — _Walter and Eileen — — — _

'That was a good nap,' Walter said as he sat up. Eileen lay prostrate next to him. 'What the . . . did I let her go?'

'Zzzzz . . . pee-pee-pee-pee-pink . . . zzzzz . . . pee-pee-pee-pee-pink . . .' Eileen snored.

'She's a lot more hot when she's passed out from a sugar rush . . . well, better put her back in her room.' That's what Walter did.

'I kind of feel bad about killing her . . . but I have to lure Henry so I can resurrect my mommy . . . who abandoned me, so she obviously has no desire to see me at all . . . and yet I keep trying . . . life is hard when you're grown up . . .'

Walter went back out to the couch, and flopped down. 'Well, I'm not tired anymore . . . what can I do?'

— — — _SUSPENCE ALERT! Maria and Tom — — — _

Maria and Tom rented a room in Lakeview Hotel, and immediately went for the bed.

'Well, you get undressed and meet me—' Tom began before he noticed Maria already in her undergarments. 'Holy . . . dag, yo.'

'I was a stripper, you know,' Maria scoffed as she climbed into the bed, putting her chin in her hand and tilting her head while rotating her finger around in a circle on the pillow. 'Get in here, tiger.'

'This is going to get a lot of hits on YouTube . . .' Tom smirked as he climbed in.

'Huh? YouTube?'

'Nuthin'.'

They began to make out . . . which never ceases to creep me out . . . how do they do it through that helmet!?

'Magic,' Tom said in a muffled voice as he made out with Maria.

'We need to get a place,' Maria said as she scratched Tom's 'chest'.

'I don't know,' Tom said as he gripped Maria's thighs.

Maria stopped. 'You're getting a little too into this, Author.'

Author: (points to Richard, sitting in chair typing)

Richard: . . . I'm dead. I have been robbed of certain pleasures . . . I NEED THIS!

They continued.

'Anyways,' Tom said as he gripped Maria's thighs, 'I like it in 302. It's cozy.'

'I suppose you're right,' Maria sighed as she began to fiercely stroke . . . Tom's . . . uh . . . back.

Author: Okay, that's too much. Out of the chair.

Richard: But—

Author: OUT.

Richard: Aww . . .

A pelican flew up and landed on Tom's helmet, instantly beginning to make a nest.

'Good to have you back,' Maria said as she pulled the blanket over Tom and her.

— — — _**Le Super Awesome Dream Hospital**__ — — —_

'Welcome!' Spawn cried as he floated in a huge chamber somewhere in the **Super**—ahh, just the freakin' hospital.

Author: You will use the ENTIRE name.

. . . **Super Awesome Dream Hospital**. James and co. were there.

'You will give me back my cookies!' James cried as he pulled out his spade.

'Foolish mortal!' Spawn laughed as he launched a bunch of chains at James. 'None can stop me, nor my boss Walter!'

'Noooo!' James screamed as the chains wrapped around him and began to pull him in.

'Noooo!' Henry yelled as he fired at each of the chains.

'Peeeeerhaps!' Robo beeped as he sprouted that massive artillery.

So waged a violent battle with many scenes of violence and gore.

—— **ANOUNCEMENT** ——

Author: Due to the massive amount of blood and extremely violent cursing, we've decided to bring you a sort of . . . intermission. And now, it's Amarant and Richard talk time!

Richard: . . . honestly, why am I the favourite? You have, like, man crush on me?

Amarant: Ye—oh, ahem, never mind. Yeah, author, you have a crush on Richard!?

Author: . . . I do not have a crush on Richard. You keep on with this, and I'll flame you. And I don't mean a hateful review — I will LITERALLY set you on fire and throw you in a pool of gasoline.

Richard: Anyway, what do we do now?

Amarant: Uh . . . so how 'bout those Eagles?

Richard: Huh?

Author: What?

Amarant: Never mind.

Author: Did you get your copy yet?

Amarant: Of '_Nevermind_'? Yeah . . . sure beats '_Bleach_'.

Richard: Hey, don't you be dissin' '_Bleach_' or Cobain's ghost will haunt you for six thousand years.

Amarant: Don't you, like, ask questions now?

Richard: I answer them, and only at the end of the chapter.

Author: We got two right now — spearofhope and Darkcomet.

Richard: Sweet. What do they ask, so that I may instill upon them my infinite knowled—

Author: Shut up, Richard.

Amarant: I have a question! Why do you go by 'Author' in the story, yet at the end everyone refers to you as EternalFlare?

Author: . . . that . . . is a good question.

—— **END INTERMISSION** ——

Amarant: Oh that's real mature . . .

Anyway, James and co. stood triumphantly over Spawn, who, after a very long cutscene, disappeared into the void. A cookie lay where he once did, and a key. James took the cookie, Henry took the key.

'Good thing Auron saved the day!' the former exclaimed happily. Auron stood nearby, soaked in blood. He took a swig from his flask, and fell backwards.

'He's so mature,' Crono slurred, 'I, I wanna be just like him!'

'And I want you to die,' Henry muttered as the whole hospital shook. Suddenly everything went white, and all our heroes inside the **Super Awesome Dream Hospital** passed out . . .

_To Be Continued . . ._

— — —

_What is Walter doing? Will Crono ever be just like Auron? Will Richard and Amarant ever reach Silent Hill (you should know this by now)? Tune in next time for: Chapter Six!1!1!1!_

_EternalFlare: Lucky you! It's time for 'Quality Time: With Richard Brainfart!'. Our first letter or whatever is from Darkcomet, who asks . . . uh . . . which question are we answering?_

_Amarant: I think the one that doesn't involve a blonde dude in a green jacket falling asleep._

_EternalFlare: Okay, our question is from James Sunderland—_

_Amarant: I swear . . . THE OTHER ONE._

_EternalFlare: Darkcomet asks if you can go to his school and act as a security guard — he also gives you permission to kill everyone there except him. Richard, I hear that you already took care of this one?_

_Richard: I sure did. Both me and Amaran—_

_Television nearby: In today's news, a school in Colorado was brutally massacred save one person, who the attackers called 'Darkcomet' repetitively._ _They are reported be a duo, one tall and pale with red hair, the other not as tall, dead looking, and awesome. And in other news, the race riots died down in . . ._

_EternalFlare: Uh . . . Color—ado?_

_Amarant: Yeah._

_EternalFlare: . . . you . . . stupid . . . imbeciles. HOW DO YOU CONFUSE ILLINOIS WITH COLORADO!?_

_Amarant: . . . well . . . you see . . . there was this guy, and he was like . . . and we . . . uh . . . next question . . ._

_EternalFlare: Uh . . . oh, spearofhope asks how you got your own chorus to travel with you or something._

_Richard: If you're going to ask the questions, ask them in the full context!_

_Amarant: Well, Richard's chorus is a funny story. He once saved a bunch of orphans from a burning building when he was twenty. When they grew up, he told them they owed him a life debt — so, thus, he ordered them to follow him around and sing his little theme. And his theme is highly plagiarized off of symphonies._

_EternalFlare: That's integrity._

_Amarant: That's sarcasm._

_EternalFlare: That's correct._

_Richard: As for what happened to them . . . well, one died in a fire, one was killed by Walter Sullivan, one was eaten by Quina Qu, and another turned into Sin._

_EternalFlare: . . . Jecht was in your chorus?_

_Richard: . . . well, he was really just there because Auron asked me to. The guy was drunk, so he couldn't work, and when everyone realised Blitzball was gay, he was out of work anyway. So I took him under my wing. Then he jumped the gun and turned into Sin._

_EternalFlare: . . . . . . why didn't you get new chorus members?_

_Richard: That's like asking why Lynyrd Skynyrd didn't just get new band members. Some things you can't replace._

_Amarant: Plus, we got sued because of the tune._

_Richard: Yeah . . . huge lawsuit, wasn't pretty._

_EternalFlare: Well, before my brain blows up I'll end this. If you want Richard to answer your questions, just send me a message or a review . . . or call me. Heck, you could just bust up into my house and hold me at gunpoint._

_Amarant: . . ._

_Richard: Huh?_

_EternalFlare: Uh . . . until next time, sayonara! Remember: no question is too dumb for Brainfart!_

_Richard: . . . what do you mean by that!?_

_EternalFlare: Bye!_


	7. Chapter 7: School's Out?

Chapter 7: School's Out?

D15c141m3r: Pfargtl is from Homestar the pfargtl?' James asked as he sat up and found himself, as well as everyone else, on a street in Silent Hill. Henry muttered something inaudible to himself as he stood and held his head.

'God, I feel like I've been raped by a hobbit,' he sighed.

'Didn't have to go into detail,' Auron grunted as he took an enormous drink from his sake.

'Well I felt that the hobbit detail was important!'

Suddenly Walter Sullivan appeared a short distance away. 'I see that you defeated Spawn!' he said as he drew his pipe from a sheath. 'Good . . . your power is growing!'

'What the pfargtl are you talking about?' James asked.

'I'm just monologue . . . ing . . . so nothing I'm saying has any relevance! But I am going to fight you, for reasons unspecified!' And Walter charged.

'Holy pfargtl!' Henry yelled as he dove to the side and grabbed Crono's pipe.

Richard: I knew he was gay.

Author: Different pipe.

Richard: Oh.

Henry ran at Walter, swinging the pipe like a sword. Both expertly parried each other's pipes.

'We need theme music!' James cried. He pulled out a bass guitar and began to play a heavy riff. Auron began on an electric guitar and synthesisers, and Robo sprouted drums and began to play.

'What the pfargtl?' Henry asked as he parried a blow.

Author: Why the pfargtl is everyone saying 'pfargtl'?

'I don't know!' James cried as he continued his heavy bass riff.

Author: Just keep fighting.

Henry and Walter were still going at it, only now Henry was starting to tire. James forsook his bass, and pulled out his old pipe from the first parody. 'I'm comin' Henry!' he cried as he leapt into the fray, swinging at Walter's back. Walter pulled out a second one, and was expertly parrying each attack with grace.

'He's too strong for you!' Auron cried as he grabbed his sword and ran up to Walter.

'What do you hope to do with that giant—_HOLY SHIT!_' Walter screamed as Auron used 'Shooting Star' on him. '_IIIIIII'll beee baaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!_'

— — — _Lakeview Hotel — — — _

'My Pyramid Head sense is telling me that Henry and co. are in trouble!' Tom yelled as he leapt out of the bed. 'Come, Maria! For we must break the siege, ere the sun rises!'

'. . . what the hell?' Maria asked.

'Sorry, sorry, it's the Tolkien speaking.'

'Huh?'

'Every story has to draw something from the guy. Jeez, you imbecile!'

— — — _The City Limits of Silent Hill! — — — _

'Holy pfargtl!' Richard exclaimed as he saw the sign: 'Welcome to Silent Hill'. '_WE'RE HERE! YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!_' The duo began to run into the city.

'Halt!' yelled a double-head as it pointed at him. 'What do you want? There is a secret operation taking place.'

'Secret operation this!' Richard said as he drew his crowbar. 'Eat crow, bitch!'

Amarant sprouted claws. 'Let's push it to the limit!'

So they began to whoop some ass just outside the city as about thirty double-heads flanked them.

'_DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL AIN'T A GIRL NO MORE!_' Richard sang loudly as a war cry, I guess, as he slaughtered dozens of monsters.

'Halt!' came a nurse's voice as it raised a Desert Eagle at Brainfart. Richard, dodged a full clip with amazing agility, and threw his crowbar as a boomerang as he lunged at the nurse. It died, and the Desert Eagle was Richard's.

'Booya!' Richard screamed as he began to blast a shitload of monsters.

Meanwhile, Amarant had just killed a double-head holding a gatling gun.

'_ARE YOU SERIOUS!?_' he screamed as he picked up the gatling gun . . . with infinite ammo! 'This day is _f–ing SWEEEEEET!_' He then began to unload on everything within sight.

About ten minutes later they found a bazooka for Amarant, submachine gun for Richard, dual pistols for Richard, a riot gun for Amarant, a chainsaw for Amarant, and a double-barrel sawn-off for Richard.

'Silent Hill . . .' Richard said, '. . . is not going to know what the pfargtl hit them!'

— — — _Walter's Headquarters inside the Church — — —_

'_WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY HAVE BAZOOKAS AND CHAIN GUNS!!!!!!?_' Walter screamed as he talked to one of his slurper scouts. '_AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT HENRY AND CO. ARE ENTERING MIDWICH ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!?_'

'I mean they have bazookas and chain guns, and that Henry and co. are entering Midwich Elementary,' the slurper said dryly.

'This cannot be!' Walter screamed, and he fell on the floor. Then he began to kick and thrash around while bawling and pounding his fists on the floor.

'I'm just gonna let myself out,' the slurper said slowly as it crawled away.

— — — _Midwich Elementary School — — —_

'_Keep it comin', I'm goin' all the way!_' James sang in a very loud voice as the group entered Midwich.

'I feel a familiar presence,' Auron said quietly. 'It's almost as if . . .' He then took a huge shot of whiskey.

'As if what?' Henry asked, cocking his revolver.

'Huh?' Auron asked, genuinely confused.

'You just said it's as if, and trailed off!'

'What are you smokin'?' Auron scoffed as he walked away, staggering.

'Great . . . we've got a drunk as a leader,' Robo sighed.

'I think I'm going to have to use the biggest cliche ever,' Henry said sadly. 'Guys — this school is big. So we have to—'

'Get drunk,' James finished.

'No, we have to—'

'Play Halo.'

'NO. We have to—'

'Dance?'

'_SPLIT UP! WE HAVE TO (BEEP)ING SPLIT THE (BEEP) UP!_' Henry screamed.

'Oh!' James laughed. 'Henry's on my team!' He skipped over to Henry and gave him a hug.

'How did I make it in Room 302?' Henry sighed.

'But the teams will be uneven,' Auron said.

'No they won't,' Robo said. 'If I went with Sir Henry—'

'I call Henry's group!' Frog yelled quickly and leapt over to him. 'I shall not tarry with these drunkards.'

'Who are you calling a . . .' Auron said, '. . . nevermind. I forgot.'

'I'm not drunk!' Crono protested.

'You've been drunk for, like, six hours!' Frog verified.

'Must I use the Breathalyser?' Robo asked.

'Nay, 'tis plain to see that they are, indeed, drunk. Now come, my comrades! We must ride to the aid of Minas Tirith, ere the city falleth and Gondor descend into ruin!'

'Huh?' Henry asked.

'It's the Tolkien,' Frog sighed as he brandished his bat.

'I see.'

— — — _Lakeside Hotel_ — — —

'But I don't want to go,' Maria whined.

'And I do?' Tom asked as he grabbed his spear. 'But if Henry and co. are in danger, we are legally obligated, as co-owners of Room 302, to aid him in times of danger, anarchy, or a muffin invasion.'

'Huh?'

'I don't know! I'm trying to sound smart! Now let's go!'

— — — _That was very pointless! Now back to Walter — — — _

Walter was still thrashing.

— — — _Sandwich — — —_

'Good one,' Henry said to announcer guy as he, James, and Frog walked down a hallway in the school.

'OMG, I remember this one time, in high school,' James said, 'that this guy went "whoa!"'

'. . .'

'And then he was all, "Whoa, did I say, 'Whoa'"'?

'. . . . . .'

'And we were all like, "what do you mean 'whoa, did I say "whoa"?'"'

'. . . are you done?'

'Whoa, what?'

'What do you mean, "whoa, wha—"'

'Enough!' Frog exclaimed. 'Right now, as we speaketh, Sauron's forces grow, and Frodo and Sam maketh their way up Mount Doom. We must give them aid! _Elendil! _I am with you, Frodo!' He ran away.

Author: . . . Frog is acting weird lately.

'I didn't spike the punch,' James denied as he scoffed.

'He didn't,' Henry verified.

Author: Okay . . . I'm just gonna—

'I'm hungry,' James yawned.

Suddenly a dark shape dropped from the ceiling. It was helmed, robed in black, and carried a wicked—

'OMG!' James screamed. 'A Nazgul! A Ringwraith! _I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON WHY EVERYONE WAS SPEAKING LIKE THAT!_'

'Die,' the Nazgul said bluntly as it stabbed James.

'Ahhhh!' James cried.

'Bang!' Henry said as he shot the Nazgul.

'Ahh!' said the Nazgul.

'Who's typing!?' James asked as he held his shoulder.

Mysterious Voice: The Author took a lunch break.

'Who are you!?'

Voice: I am the villain that you have to encounter for Midwich. I am . . . Sauron!

And suddenly the super awesome Sauron appeared before the extremely gay James and Henry.

'What did you call me!?' Henry screamed at Sauron.

'Dude, the Author's typing again,' Sauron shrugged. 'And now, you shall have the pleasure of dying a painful death!'

Suddenly there was a bright flash, and blue sparks showered the whole hallway. Standing behind Sauron, sword upraised, was Frog. Holding—

'Anduril!?' James and Henry screamed. 'Are you f-ing serious!?'

And at that moment Auron, Crono and Robo appeared, extremely bloody and tired.

'Dude, what happened to you?' James asked.

'There's a crapload of Orcs on the first floor,' Auron said. 'This school is really gay.'

'Tell me about it,' Henry sighed as he aimed at Sauron with his revolver.

'Ha!' Sauron cried, holding up his hand, which had a golden ring upon it. 'You can't touch me while I have my One Ring on! Prepare to die!'

'That's a nice ring,' James said, 'almost as good as the one I bought Mary.' He held up his wedding ring, which was identical to Sauron's.

'Huh!?' Sauron cried. 'You have a One Ring!?'

'I bought it on eBay,' James shrugged as he shot an enormous beam of energy at Sauron, who disappeared with an anguished cry:

'_What a rip-off!!!!!!!!!!!!_'

— — — _Somewhere that's really cold — — — _

A polar bear walked across the screen.

— — — _Now to Amarant and Richard — — — _

Extreme gunfire illuminated the twilight as the two wasted thousands of monsters with their newfound weaponry, and came to the church, which was extremeley fortified.

Richard slid two shotgun shells into his double-barrel. 'This is going to be fun,' he said as he shot down a gate and ran inside, guns blazing while Amarant showered the place with gatling-gun fire.

_To be continued . . ._

—

_How much longer until the ending!? Will Amarant and Richard make it to the church!? What is next for Henry and co.!? I've got no clue, but you might be able to find out — if you tune in next time!_

_EternalFlare: Well, it's time for Quality Time again._

_Richard: I have a question — 'what took you so long to WRITE THIS FREAKIN' CHAPTER!?'_

_EternalFlare: . . . 42._

_Richard: Oh, I see._

_Amarant: Get down to the real questions._

_EternalFlare: Okay. Sheraton-dragon of twilight asks if he can be your disciple or apprentice. You get the idea._

_Richard: Well S-DT, I once had a disciple. But he kind of went rogue . . . you see, his son burst up on the scene and cut his arm off, then my apprentice picked me up and threw me into a generator or something—_

_Amarant: That wasn't you. That was Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars._

_Richard: My apprentice really got killed by a hobbit on the Pelennor Fields—_

_Amarant: The Witch-king of Angmar from The Lord of the Rings._

_Richard: Okay . . . so I never HAD an apprentice . . . sure, I'll teach you to be awesome. Just always remember: . . . . . . _

_EternalFlare: Remember what?_

_Richard: I forgot._

_Amarant: Next._

_EternalFlare: Next, spearofhope asks when you plan to kill Amarant._

_Richard: WHY WOULD— uh . . . I never agreed to any such thing._

_EternalFlare: Uh, I found this receipt in your gym-bag._

_Richard: WHY WERE YOU LOOKING IN THERE?_

_EternalFlare: Just answer the damned question._

_Richard: Look, I don't have a clue what he's talking about, I never received that much money for a hit. I charge waaaay higher, you know that._

_EternalFlare: . . . why haven't you said anything, Amarant?_

_Amarant: Zzzzz—what!? Sorry, narcolepsy. What was the question?_

_Richard: Nevermind it, dwelling in the past is futile._

_Amarant: Man, you're sweating bad._

_Ricard: NEXT QUESTION ALREADY!!!!!_

_EternalFlare: Umm . . . Darkcomet asks if you were investigating the riot at his school._

_Richard: No. Amarant was spying on him._

_Amarant: What? No I wasn't, Tom was._

_Richard: Uh oh. Darkcomet, I advise that you don't go down any dark alleys, now._

_Tom: Hey, who you guys answering now?_

_Richard: . . . Horatio. From . . . Asia . . . land._

_Tom: What's he asking?_

_Richard: About Sephiroth's being in a closet in Woodside Apartments._

_Tom: SEPHIROTH! I'm comin', baby!_

_Amarant: Eww . . . _

_EternalFlare: So, that's all the questions we have for today. You can send your questions in via PM or review. Or you can send a smoke signal. And sorry it took so long, I was undertaking other projects. Like . . . starting my own website . . . trying to get Adobe Flash . . . and doing some original work. Plus I got school. I'm not freakin' Superman, so don't blame me if your question isn't answered immediately. But I promise that all answers will be answered. Except flames. You'll just burn in the Fires of Hell for those._

_Richard: Yeah, anyone asks me to, like, 'shoot myself in the head', I'll come to your house, kill your parents and children and siblings, torture you with ever imaginable method, then burn the place down. And then I'll have Darkcomet's Walter Sullivan kick your ass when you get to Hell._

_EternalFlare: . . . You have a lot of anger._

_Richard: I know, and I am not working on it._

_EternalFlare: Okay . . . uh, until next time, chaos out._


	8. Chapter 8: The Choices of M Sunderland

Chapter 8: The Choices of Master Sunderland

**Warning: This chapter contains a horrible pun. This pun may cause vomitting, diarrhea, temporary blindness, permanent blindness, blindness in the afterlife, blindness after the End of All Time, and a rash. Your soul may collapse within itself, and your organs may transmute into potatoes. You have been warned.** **Fortunately, those unfamiliar with the band "Rush" may not understand this pun.**

**We envy you :( **

'Why are we in a street?' Henry asked.

'Because we're in a street,' James expained as if it were obvious.

'Oh.'

'What?'

'I don't know.'

'Uno!'

'Eh?'

'Bingo!'

'James, what are you—'

'_CHECKMATE!_'

'_STFU_!' Henry screamed as he slapped James in the face.

Auron sat up a little way away. He took a huge swig of his sake and fell on his back again.

'That was just pointless,' Henry said dryly.

'Let's do something,' James said as he drew a circle on the ground with his finger.

'Let's invade Canada,' Henry suggested.

'Or find Eileen,' came Maria's voice from behind the brunette.

'_HOLY CRAP_!' Henry screamed as he pulled out his revolver.

'Where have you been?' Tom asked as he walked up, spear in hand. 'I'm ready to invade Walter's fortress.'

'Why?' Henry asked. 'And what fortress? If he's got a fortress, how are we going to invade it? And furthermore: why are we doing this for _Eileen_!?'

There was a very, very, very long silence, until finally . . . oh, wait, no. No one spoke. Because no one had an answer.

— — — _Richard and Amarant — — —_

'_**(Though we might have precious little, it's still precious)**_,' sang Richard as he and Amarant strutted around the utterly obliterated forest — the trees were burned down, dead bodies lay everywhere, and something smelled like tuna.

Author: Okay, seriously, why are you guys raiding _my_ music! Get your own CDs! . . . YOU SPILLED PEPSI ON MY SNAKES & ARROWS CD!

'You're just sad because you have "Malignant"—' Amarant began.

Author: Don't EVEN use that horrible pun on me.

'Yeah, that is horrible,' Richard agreed. 'You're better than that, Amarant.'

'. . .'

'Don't do it,' Brainfart warned.

'"Narcissism".'

'_NO!_'

Author: Aaaagh! My head!

A hole appeared in the universe then, and everything was destroyed.

_The end . . . _

— — —

_Finally it's over! There won't be any more The Nameless Parodies, so sorry! But hey, you can read other stuff that's better! Like Darkcomet's stuff, or Megfallow's, or schreiberjoe. I mean, they're way better than I._

Suddenly everything in the universe came back together.

**Announcement: The Bad Pun warning is repealed. We apologise for the blindness.**

Author: . . . whoa.

'That was fucking awesome!' Richard yelled. 'Did you see that really big blue banana with tentacles and one eye? He was awesome!'

'. . .' said Amarant. Literally. He said 'Dot, dot, dot.' I kid you not.

Author: Richard . . . just, stand far away from Amarant. Far, far away.

Suddenly a huge swarm of monsters came up to them. And then . . . well . . . you can guess what pwn4g3 occurred.

— — — _Back in the Pink Room — — —_

'Okay, Eileen, here's the plan:' Walter proceeded to give Eileen a lengthy plan for quite a long time, involving 'flanking', 'stealth', 'units', 'scouting', 'garrisons', and 'fortresses'.

Eileen just giggled and touched her nose with her tongue. 'I did it!'

— — — _Five minutes later — — — _

'So, in short, there it is. It's a master plan, right? It took me all night to think of,' Walter said proudly.

He was speaking to a wall.

'Heh, you do listen better than Eileen . . .' he muttered.

— — — _T3h 0ut3r 4tr355 — — — _

Richard and Amarant stood proudly around a group of bodies, weapons in hand and smirks on their faces.

'Told you it'd be easy,' Amarant grunted.

'We make one friggin' awesome team,' Richard exclaimed, high-fiving Amarant.

'Well, can we rescue Eileen now? I find it ironic that the others got here sooner, and we're almost there and they're . . . well, I got no clue where they are . . .'

Just then the group flew in on the pelican that nested in Tom's helmet.

'Thanks Bimbu,' Tom said, petting the pelican. It . . . did whatever pelicans do, and reentered the helmet. 'Anyway, where's Sephiroth?'

'Huh?' Henry asked.

'Nothin',' Tom said quickly.

'You made it!' James screamed as he gave Richard a huge hug. Richard screamed in agony and beat James with his crowbar. James giggled and began to play with his radio.

'Well,' Henry said as he scratched his head. 'Only one thing left to do now — we gotta invade!'

'Yeah . . . that's gonna propose a problem . . .'

'What?' Auron asked.

'Holy crap!' Richard yelled. 'Auron! Man, it's been like . . . eighty years.'

'We put a man on the moon!?' James screamed as he stared blankly at the radio. Everyone barely acknowledged him.

'Anyway,' Richard continued, 'there's still a lot of work to be done. Me and Amarant gotta take care of some business before we can go in there. Tell you what: you go attack 'em, and Amarant and I will go do . . . whatever it is we do.'

'But—' Henry began.

'Don't start on me George!' Richard yelled. He ran away with Amarant.

'My name's Henry, dumbass,' Henry called after them, and when Richard turned around, he turned and ran.

— — — _Somewhere dark — — — _

'Soon, my son and I will be reunited and I will finally, finally get to play baseball with him!' said a deep voice from the shadows. 'And by son I mean Walter. And I'm a woman.'

Author: Damnit, you bitch!

'What?'

Author: You weren't supposed to reveal your gender!

'Oh. I'm not a woman.'

Author: Too late now, dumbass.

'I'm just . . . not good at these things.'

Author: Damn straight.

'So, Jenova really wasn't Walter's—'

Author: _SHUT THE HELL UP!_

— — — _A really f-ing huge gate — — —_

'Whoa.' Henry said as he looked at the enormous black gate. It was, like, huge. And I mean huge. And upon it was a sign that read '_Entrance to Walter's . . . damnit, do I have to do this? Yes? Man . . . 4TR355. There, happy now? Can I go home? No!? Then burn in hell, you son of a bitch!_'

James giggled. 'Let's go in!'

'Yeah, harder than it seems, James,' Robo beeped.

'Aren't you like some super-sexy-robot-that-can-blast-doors-down-and-also-bang-me-harder-than—' Maria began.

'Maria, eww!' Henry screamed as he gagged, and then ultimately vomited.

'Why no, my lady. That is my secondary function. My original function was as highly intelligent learning device.'

— _Flashback —_

'_What does a cow say?' Robo asked as he sat before a group of little children._

'_Cluck!' a kid screamed._

'_Ribbit!' another yelled._

'_Flarfen-yurgle!' one cried._

'_WRONG!' Robo beeped loudly as he sprayed them all with a flamethrower._

— _Flashback —_

'Do something!' Tom yelled. 'I gotta hook up with Sephiroth soon—'

'_SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT SEPHIROTH!_' Henry screamed in rage. '_HE'S NOT LIKE THAT! HE'S NOT A DEMON THAT STICKS HIS SCHLONG IN EVERYTHING WITH A HOLE IN IT! SO SHUT THE HELL UP!_'

'Henry . . .' Tom said slowly, '. . . you don't know how turned on I am.'

'Fuck it,' Henry fumed as he kicked down the huge gate and stormed in.

'Where are you—' James cried.

'Fuck off!' Henry yelled. 'All you bastards do is slow me down! I'm going alone, and that's it! Just go home! This is why people hated Eileen . . . all she did was get in the way!'

'They hated me more!' Maria yelled back. Henry was gone. James began to cry.

'Why–why–why is he mad at me?' he pouted as he wiped his eyes.

'Aww James,' Maria said as she held the blonde in her arms. 'It's 'cuz you're a retard.'

'Yeah,' Tom added. 'He hates you because you get in the way.'

James cried even harder. He then fell to the ground and began to wail, even as the group began to walk in the door.

But just then, as they entered the threshold, shadows leapt out at them, and knocked them out, carrying them away into the darkeness of the fortress. James stopped crying and stood up. And waited. And waited. And waited some more.

Author: Oh shit, man. I don't think they're coming back.

'Huh?'

Author: Dude, they were just kidnapped. I'd run like hell if I were you.

'Well you're not me. And I happen to love my friends, more than anything else I have. I'll go to any lengths to protect them.'

Author: This is gay as hell, James. Stop it.

'Even going into that fortress. They're in trouble somewhere . . . I can feel it . . .'

Author: Shut the hell up, James, NOW.

'I'm coming, guys! Hang on!'

With that James pulled out his pistol and ran forward, yelling like a madman. And as soon as he entered the gate shut, leaving him, Henry, and all of the gang (except for Richie and Amarie) in the dark.

_To Be Continued . . ._

— — —

_What will happen to da gang? What are Richie and Amarie doing? Will James make it to his friends in time? Tune in next time for the exciting wait for the next chapter sure to come in thirty years!_

_EternalFlare: And now it's time for Quality Time with Richard Brainfart._

_Richard: Dear God, it's been so damn long I forget how this works._

_Amarant: Lazy bastard author._

_Richard: EternalFART!_

_Amarant: . . . you just lost some cool points, man. That name was, like, first grade intelligence._

_Richard: A first grader can't pronounce Eternal._

_EternalFart: Just answer the damn question!_

_Richard: You haven't asked it._

_EternalFlare: Oh. The question is from_ _spearofhope: 'Did you serve in Vietnam, Richard, and is that where your anger comes from?'_

_Richard: Oh God . . . the things I saw in 'Nam . . ._

_EternalFlare: So you fought there?_

_Richard: HELL NO! YOU THINK I'M STUPID? I'm not going to JOIN the army or SERVE the drafting order! I'm Richard Brainfart! I do what I want!_

_EternalFlare: Then . . . how did you see anything?_

_Richard: Television, dumbass._

_Amarant: . . . did they have—_

_EternalFlare: (Don't question him, Amarant, he's turning purple)_

_Richard: Damned Commies . . . hot chicks . . . baked beans . . . yellow fever . . ._

_Amarant: I hope that answers your question. Though I know it didn't. Sorry._

_EternalFlare: Darkcomet asks . . . uh . . . he asks nothing._

_Amarant: What? Give me the card._

_EternalFlare: No . . . no, Amarant, don't . . . NO!!!!_

_Amarant: Did you ever collect the money that Henry and James owed—_

_Richard: Grrrraaaaaghhhhhh!_

— — — _Five minutes later — — — _

_EternalFlare: Holy . . . shit._

_Amarant: That is one hell of a big hole._

_EternalFlare: How the hell did he break through a steel roof!?_

_Amarant: He's Richard Brainfart._

_EternalFlare: Oh. I get it now. Well . . . let's all hope Henry and James . . . live._

_Richard: They did._

_EternalFlare: HOLY MOTHER OF CANNED SOUP!_

_Amarant: SON OF A TOASTER OVEN!_

_Richard: What?_

_EternalFlare: You broke . . . and then . . . and now . . ._

_Richard: They'll have it tomorrow._

_Amarant: I can't believe you fell for—_

_EternalFlare: Next question is from Dartigen: If you could be reincarnated as any animal, what would you be reincarnated as . . . or something like that. I forget, it's been about a month. I'm pretty sure it was like that . . . I mean, it might have read—_

_Amarant: Dragon, all the way._

_Richard: Why?_

_Amarant: Dragons kick ass, man. Look at Trogdor. He gets all the chicks._

_Richard: I kicked Trogdor's ass once._

_Amarant: Actually Trogdor is invincible, in case you've never played Peasant's Quest._

_Richard: . . . damnit._

_Amarant: Heh, BURNiNATED._

_Richard: I'd say panther._

_EternalFlare: I choose . . . probably a chameleon. I mean, they change colours, they climb up walls, and they look radical._

_Richard: I change mine._

_EternalFlare: To what?_

_Richard: A Griffon._

_EternalFlare: Griffons don't exist!_

_Richard: Neither do dragons!_

_Amarant: . . . they do . . . in our hearts._

_Richard: Queer._

_Amarant: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY?_

_Richard: I said get me a beer._

_Amarant: Oh. Here._

_Richard: Thanks babe._

_Amarant: Huh?_

_Richard: Sorry . . . used to waitresses . . ._

_EternalFlare: So . . . okay, I hope that answered your questions. Remember: Keep sending them in, and I will make fun of them and put them off for days! I mean . . . I will answer you positively and courteously with no sarcasm and no insults. 'Til next time, I'm your host, EternalFlare, and I'm going AFK!!!_

_Dear my dozens of readers . . ._

_ I took a long hiatus. Sorry. I broke my mind on this project, along with my other ones. I'm making a game, a movie, writing two books, and then there's this. So, I broke my imagination; but the video game Dawn of War cured it, and I'm ready to withdraw from my hiatus! Yay! So look out! I'm sorry if this chapter isn't what you expected (I'm not really too fond of it), because it's only 8 pages due to Quality Time; but I'm trying to get back into it. So . . . yeah . . . look out world . . ._


	9. Chapter 9: The End Begins

Chapter 9: The End Begins

**Warning: This chapter contains action, romance, love, horror, scariness, love, romance, hate, love, war, peace, a muffin, and action. Did I mention romance? 'Cuz I lied. It also contains brutally disgusting poetry — thou hast been warned.**** But seriously, it contains a little more seriousness than the others. But humour's been added to relieve the tension. And just in advance: I'm really sorry. You'll see why. Happy reading, don't cry too hard :( — EternalFlare**

Henry was walking through the halls of Walter's fortress, toting his revolver. '_**Say what you will, say what you mean! –– No! You could never offend: your dirty words come out clean!**_'

He stopped to listen — nothing could be heard except the beat of his own heart, and his footsteps against the chain-link floor. The walls were a grey stone, and the temperature was extremely low.

Distantly Henry heard a scream, and it sounded a lot like Crono's: a high-pitched wail with frantic 'No, no!' followed by giggling of 'Stop, stop it! It tickles!'

'Why are they here?' the brunette mused. 'Did they get captured!? I'd better go after them—'

Just then the worm from Silent Hill 3 dropped down as Henry entered a wide space, and roared at him. The room shook, and rocks fell from the ceiling. Henry whipped out his revolver, but the worm knocked it out of his hands before he could do anything. He then was knocked against a wall.

'The pain . . . hurts,' he moaned as he stood up, and pulled out his axe. He then took his pose. 'Come on, Wormy!' he yelled as he ran towards it and reared to strike.

— — — _Elsewhere — — —_

'Come on, James, you can do it!' James said to himself as he stood before a door. He was shaking with fear. He then took a deep breath, and turned the knob.

A shot rang out, and James fell to the floor, screaming like a little girl and shaking his hands in the air while his legs were tucked near his chest. He felt a boot hit him hard in the gut. Staring down at him was Richard Brainfart, with a double-barrel shotgun resting on his shoulder.

'Carl, what are you doing?' the awesome man said.

'It's James,' James said.

'Oh. What you doing, boy!?'

'Cowering in fear—'

'_THEN GET UP!_'

James instantly was standing up, crying.

'Straighten up, boy!' Richard screamed, slapping James. James cried harder; Richard slapped him harder. James was bawling; Richard socked him so hard he bent back, and when he came up he wasn't crying, but his nose was bleeding profusely.

'What's the number one rule of awesomeness!?' Richard barked.

'Uh . . . learn how to parallel park?'

'What the fu—_NO!_ It's don't be afraid!'

'Of anything?'

'Anything.'

'I'm not afraid of anything.' James straightened up and took a deep breath through his nose. 'I'm not afraid of anything.'

'Good, wussy,' Richard grunted.

'Where's uncle Amarant?'

'Uncle?'

'Amarant?'

'He said he had some business to take care of. I don't know where he went.'

'Hmm.' James pulled out his pistol. 'Well, what do we do now?'

'What happened to the others?'

'They got kidnapped.'

'Seriously? Then what are you waiting for!?'

'Well, I ordered a pillow online, and it still hasn't got here. Maybe I should wait for that?'

Richard stared at him blankly.

'I'll go,' James sighed as he walked through the doorway followed by Richard.

— — — _Inside a dark chamber — — — _

Tom, Maria, Robo, Crono, Frog, and Auron lay on a cold stone floor with their arms chained to a wall.

'This blows,' Crono sighed. 'I'm not drunk anymore.'

'That blows,' Auron agreed. 'We've got to escape soon, so I can reach my liquour.'

'Tom,' Maria said, 'I wish I was over there with you.'

'I wish I was with Sephiroth,' Tom said.

Maria began to shake with rage. '_WHAT IS WITH YOU AND SEPHIROTH!? I'M A WOMAN — HE'S A . . . MAN? I'M YOUR WIFE, TOO!_'

'You know what,' Robo beeped, 'I am getting sick of you guys always arguing about Sephiroth.'

Maria was on the verge of tears. 'He clearly loves him more than me. How can I do anything!?'

'Kill Sephiroth,' Crono grunted. Frog slapped him with his tongue. 'WTF!? U wanna g0 nub!?'

'Holdest thy tongue,' the amphibian said. 'Violence is not the answer — to this problem. Many other a problem doth it work quite well.'

'You cannot hold back my love for Sephiroth!' Tom yelled. 'I wrote him a poem!'

'Oh God, help me!' Auron screamed, thrashing wildly to escape his bonds. 'Help! _PLEASE HELP US!_'

'I saved it on Robo.'

Robo sprouted speakers. 'I need to hear this,' he muttered. '_Waiting for the winds of change to sweep the clouds away — waiting for the rainbow's end to cast its gold your way — countless waves; you pass the days — WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COME AND TURN YOUR WORLD AROUND — LOOKING FOR THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS YOU HAVE FOUND — LOOKING FOR . . . AN OPEN DOOR! — __**You don't get something for nothing, you can't have freedom for free — you won't get wise with the sleep still in your eyes, no matter what your dream might—**_'

'That's not a poem,' Auron sighed in relief. 'It's Rush!'

'Oh, here it is:' Suddenly, from the speakers, came softly '_We sail through endless skies — stars shine like eyes — the black night sighs — the moon in silver freeze — bores down in peace — light of the night — the earth a purple blaze — of sapphire haze — in orbit always_—'

Everyone was asleep.

Even Robo.

Then a shock came through their chains, and everyone jolted awake.

'Mmm,' Crono said, 'I love that song. But I still want to hear Tom's poem.'

'I don't,' Auron said. 'I once went to a poem recital in Zanarkand . . .'

—_Flashwork—_

'_My poem is called __Kites__,'_ _Jecht said as he stood nervously on a stage. 'Uh, here we go:_

'_Kites are really neat,_

'_You could almost say they're 1337,_

'_I think kites like to fly,_

'_High, real high, like, in the sky,_

'_Even when I'm drunk, I feel,_

'_Like a tiny baby seal,_

'_When I watch the kites soaring high,_

'_And get hit by an airship, then watching them die._

'_Thank you.'_

_Everyone in the audience was convulsing uncontrollably, spitting up blood and having no controls over their bowels. Auron was no exception._

'_Uh,' Jecht said, rubbing his neck with his hand like he did in the game, 'thanks!'_

—_End Flashback—_

Auron convulsed at the memory of the recital, but thankfully regained control.

'Found it!' Robo cried: '_My dearest Sephiroth,_

'_Your hair is like a silver bow,_

'_Shimmering near your waist and below,_

'_Your sword is like the giant knife,_

'_I use to take a person's life,_

'_Your gauntlets make me think of beans,_

'_I'm not sure why; but you look lean,_

'_I don't think love is the right word,_

'_But 'stalk' doesn't sound too absurd,_

'_So Sephiroth: I stalk you!_

'_And sometimes I stalk Darkcomet, too._'

Maria gasped. Tom sighed. Auron had a seizure, Crono crapped his pants as he cried uncontrollably, and Frog fainted.

'Uh,' Tom said, 'I hope it's not too much trouble, but . . . there's a second verse . . .'

— — — _Sir Henry Townshend_ — — —

'When did I become a knight?' Henry asked as Nurse demons dragged him, bloody, down the halls of Walter's 4tress.

— — — _Shut up — — — _

'Okay.'

Henry was bloody, tired, and extremely bruised. He could remember very little, except that he'd charged the monster with his axe — then pwnage occurred on a scale so large it would shake the Universe.

Unfortunately, he was at the receiving end.

'Wisdom doesn't appear to be the only thing I'm receiving,' he moaned as the Nurses opened a large door and threw young Townshend on a red carpet. The carpet lay on a brown stone floor, in a cathedral-like room with a throne to his right. Upon that throne sat none other than . . . Walter—'

'Walter Sullivan!' Henry growled as he stood. He charged at the man, but tripped over his shackled legs and hit his face hard on the carpet.

'Hahahahaha!' laughed Sullivan; Henry shook with anger as he stood up. 'What do you think you can do against me, Townshend?'

'Kill you,' Henry said bluntly.

'Never!'

'As I recall, I've killed you before.'

'Yes, but now I'm . . . _**IMMORTAL!!!!!!!!!11**_.'

'. . . and . . . ? You were last time.'

'Eh . . .' Walter sat and thinked. 'I'm . . . not sure . . . umm . . . Mommy, I need help! Why am I undefeatable again!?'

A voice boomed from all around them: 'Because as long as my soul remains intact, you can not be defeated. _Read the notecards._'

Walter produced a stack of index cards and began to read from them. '"This time, you shall not defeat me — Townshend. For I am powered by the TRUE Holy Mother now, and she — will pwn you so severely that your head will explode and your soul will be swallowed. — Also, do not tell anyone, but the thing in the toilet in your room was —'

'Not so fast, Walter!' said a voice behind Henry. The two turned around.

— — — _Ha ha! — — — _

'I spy something grey—' Frog said.

'Stone,' Robo beeped lazily.

'I spy someone blonde.'

'Me!' Maria cried.

'No.'

'Huh!? Look!'

'It's not natural.'

'Yes it—' Robo shot out a scanner, and Maria's hair was revealed to be purple.

'Holy crap—' Tom began.

'_SHUT UP!_' Maria shrieked as she began to cry.

Suddenly the door burst open, and through it stepped Richard Brainfart, who was covered in blood, had tons of weapons slung around him, and a look of triumph was on his face. And James was there too.

'Hey guys!' James giggled. 'I've come to rescue you!'

'Really!?' Maria cooed.

'No, I just lied.'

'Oh.'

'Just keep your mouth shut James,' Richard grunted. 'Anyway, here:' Brainfart then proceeded to blast the chains from the wall, and then aided everyone in standing up. 'Now, we have to hurry.'

'Why?' everyone asked.

'Because Henry is deep in the fortress, and we don't know what's happened to him.'

'Why should we care?' Tom asked.

'Who is it that showed you that Walter was using you?' James said suddenly. He turned to the Chrono gang. 'Who gave you weapons and fought hard to see you out of this?' He turned to Auron. 'Who . . . uh . . .' He turned away from Auron and looked at them all. 'Really, look at it: it was Henry who took out Walter. It was Henry who took charge in Room 302. It was Henry who got us this far. Without Henry, what would we be but a bunch of broke morons who all have extreme issues. Like, Frog. Frog talks all mediaeval and crap; Crono has no genitals, and barely speaks; Robo . . . well, Robo is sweet; Auron's a drunk; Maria . . . do I have to specify?; and Tom . . . Tom is not only bisexual, but he also rapes people and monsters alike. And me. Let's not forget me. I'm not the smartes person in the world; I'm not the smartest person in the group — I'm nothing but an idiot. And Henry: can you think of a glaring flaw he has?'

'He doesn't put the toilet seat down!' Maria complained.

'. . . anything else?'

'Not really,' everyone said. 'But what about Richard and Amarant? What problems do they have?'

Author: They aren't technically one of you. They are, like, their own group. The awesome group.

'And the author. Take a look at him,' James said. 'He's gay and he talks too much. We all hate him — but we endure him.'

Author: . . . . backstabbing traitors . . .

'But Henry has no flaw! He's the only one of us suited to fight Walter!'

'Why can't Richard and Amarant do it?'

'Amarant's gone, and I . . . have my reasons,' Richard said. He looked away.

'Why?'

'Because I can't!' the man roared. 'Now shut it, make up, and come on!'

'So can we all pull through for him!?' James asked.

'You're just gay for him,' Crono scoffed.

James blinked. 'I am not.'

'Yes, you are. You call him honey, and sweetey, and baby, and "wife".'

'_THAT HAPPENED ONCE!_' James screamed. 'Look, we can settle whether I'm gay or not — which I'm _not_ — later, but now, who's with me!?'

'I guess,' everyone sighed.

'Great! Cooooome on!' James and gang took off down the halls, frantically looking for Henry.

— — — _The showdown — — —_

'Who are you?' Henry asked as a blonde haired man entered.

'My name is Bob,' Bob said, 'and I'm Walter's half-brother.'

Walter shot Bob in the head. He died.

'Dude!' Henry yelled. 'What the—why did you do that?'

'I don't want the Author sneaking anything in that might ruin my plan.' Sullivan stood up and grabbed his pipe, then threw Henry his axe. 'I've waited a long time for this moment, Townshend. Man-on-man action!'

'Eww,' Henry gagged.

'N-not that way!' Walter stammered. 'I mean, we're gonna fight.' Henry grabbed his axe, and Walter jumped down before him.

'. . . I miss James,' Henry sighed as he reared up to do that sweet charge move on Walter—

'That's enough, Walter!' came James's voice through the doorway. The gang stood behind him. 'This is where it ends!'

Walter laughed. 'Mr. Sunderland!' he yelled. 'Pleasure you could join me!'

'James!' Henry yelled with joy as he lowered the axe.

And then Walter shot James right through the chest with his pistol. James flinched.

'Oww!' he cried, and began to strut around. 'Walk it off, walk it off.' He then fell to the floor.

'_NO!_' Henry screamed; just then a large shadow burst from the floor, and it took the form of a tall woman with a weird circle thing behind her. Her skin was pale, and her frame thin.

'I am Walter's Mother!' she cried maliciously.

'Oh my God,' Richard muttered, shielding his face.

'Yes, I am the true ruler of all the Universe: _**ULTIMECIA**_!'

'I don't care _WHO_ you are!' Henry yelled in rage. 'Your son is gonna die, _RIGHT NOW_!' Henry threw the axe down and began to strangle Walter, who fought back ferociously. Ultimecia raised her hand to smite them.

'_NO!_' Tom screamed, and he lifted his spear high – then he threw it like a javelin, and it stabbed right through Ultimecia's heart. The woman raised her hand to cast a spell, when—

—Eileen appeared, skipping around merrily.

'_Are you shielded with a shaky hand — the women screaming — (And the children gather, and wander) — __**Who's there? — Who's there?**_,' she sang obliviously.

'All this for her,' Maria sighed. 'I'm way more attractive.'

'I—beg—to differ,' Auron said slowly as he looked at Eileen, pulling his shades down. '(Holy Aeon, I'd like to tap that)—'

Ultimecia fell to the ground, and died. She then decomposed, and was blown away by a draft.

And just then Amarant burst through the doorway, and leapt into the centre of the room, holding up several pieces of paper. 'Am I too late?'

'Well,' Richard said, 'James is dead, Ultimecia is dead, the gang busted out of prison, and Henry is about to kill Walter.'

'Well wait!' the red-head yelled. 'I've got something important to tell you guys! Something I suspected when I first talked to Richard.'

'What?' Robo asked.

'These documents that I hold in my hand are the lists of all the tenants of all the apartment rooms. And among them is Room 302's.'

'So?' Walter sighed, impatient. He and Henry stopped fighting.

' "So?" Walter, I have the tenants staying there when you were born!'

'Really? Then who's my mother!?'

'Ultimecia!' Amarant said as if it were obvious.

'Then what's the point!?' Crono said, frustrated.

'_RICHARD IS WALTER'S FATHER!_' Amarant yelled accusingly. Everyone looked at Richard, who was looking elsewhere, whistling loudly.

'Oh, what?' he asked.

'_RICHARD IS WALTER'S FATHER!_' Amarant repeated. Richard jumped back.

'How did you—'

'Dad!' Walter cried as he knocked Henry over the head with the pipe. He then teleported Eileen to him, who was still singing. Then he conjured a magical door and leapt inside. 'I'll be back, Henry, you can count on that! And dad, one day we'll play catch!' Then the door closed and locked. All was silent.

'Walter!' Henry screamed, and pounded on the door. It didn't budge. 'I'll get you for what you did to James.'

'Henry,' James said weakly. The brunette ran to the blonde, who had a bloody hole in his chest. It didn't look good. 'We never did get that dog.'

Henry was almost crying. 'I promise . . . I'll get us a dog, buddy. And you can name him anything you want.'

'Even Buddy?'

'Even Buddy.'

James smiled. 'Promise?'

'I promise.'

James shuddered. 'Whew, it's cold in here, huh?'

'Actually, it's kind of warm.'

'Hmm.' James swallowed, and difficulty was evident. 'Henry . . . do you really . . . think I'm useless?'

'No, man,' Henry laughed. 'You were the biggest help of them all.'

James laughed lightly, and pulled out a key. 'I think this might unlock that door.'

Henry looked at the key blankly. 'Where . . . did you get this?'

'The Nameless Parody,' James said proudly. 'I found it in that labcoat. I never used it, though. Think it might work, though. Been in there for years, so might not be easy, but you'll figure it out.'

'I remember that,' Maria said. 'Wow, that's . . . admirable, James.'

'Thanks.' The blonde (natural) coughed up blood. 'Henry?' he said weaker than ever.

'What?' the brunette asked, knowing James was close to dead.

'I love you, man.'

'I love you too, dude.' They pounded it, then pretended to shoot each other. James laughed. Then he blinked — except his eyes didn't open again.

Henry stood up, and turned away from the group. Some of them were crying, except for Auron and Richard. Richard put his arm on Henry's shoulder. 'What are you gonna do?'

'Sorry, Richard, but I'm gonna kill your son.'

'Fine with me,' Brainfart laughed. 'Bastard creeps me out anyway. Plus he was a one-night-stand.'

Henry approached the door slowly, then unlocked it. 'I'm going alone. I don't want anyone else to die on me. So you guys go home. I'll be fine.' With that he stepped through the door to face Walter.

_To be continued . . ._

_Will Henry be safe on his own? Will James be avenged? Is Richard really Walter's dad? Find out in the next chapter of The Nameless Parody._

_EternalFlare: Well, now it's time for Quality Time With Richard Brainfart._

_Richard: I'm not feeling up to it, man._

_Amarant: Hey, I'll do it._

_Richard: I feel better. Shoot._

_EF: Okay, Randall-Flagg asks "What is the meaning of life, and do you like Monty Python?"_

_Richard: Well, my opinion is the meaning of life is . . . well, it's basically me. I don't mean me as a person, you know, it's my lifestyle: freedom, independence, and the ability to do anything you want. The meaning of life is to live it like you want, experiencing the maximum amount of feelings you can._

_Amarant: Actually, I have proof that it's 42._

_Richard: Really?_

_Amarant: Yeah._

_EF: Yeah, I heard that too._

_Richard: Hmm._

_Amarant: Next._

_EF: Okay: If Amarant was a penguin, EternalFlare was your slave, the now-deceased James had an afro, and you were a kung-fu duck, what would 2+2 be?_

_Richard: . . . . WHAT (CENSORED) IDIOT SENT THAT KIND OF MESSAGE IN!?_

_Amarant: I think it was Darkcomet._

_Richard: Oh, that makes it better. Sure, I know the answer: 2+2 would be muffins, because if James had an afro it would mean that Henry wore purple, thus making Tom a woman. If EF was my slave, I'd have him worked to death, so that would naturally cause Crono to become 'un-limp'. You dig? And then, if I was a kung-fu duck and Amarant was a penguin, then we'd be a crime fighting duo called 'The Collectors', and pi would become 8.675309, thus altering all math into a distorted system called Ramarichtism. Thus 2+2muffins. Duh. Man, go back to school. Or . . . stay . . . in school. Or . . . something._

_Amarant: Next._

_EF: (Why was I the slave!?) How did you get yourself killed? From spearofhope._

_Richard: Hmm . . . could I, like, get his address?_

_EF: Why?_

_Richard: Oh, no reason. Just to kill him._

_Amarant: Richard was killed by electrocution. Walter got him there by putting a pain-pill on the chair, then thwacking Richard over the head with a paperweight._

_EF: Lol, you got abused by your own son._

_Richard: Shut up!_

_EF: Well, anyway, us three are still alive . . . for now . . . muahaha! . . . so remember, send in your question, and we will send it back to you, calling you stupid and cursing your family. Also be on the lookout for the next chapter._

_Amarant: Why did you kill James?_

_EF: He called me gay. He could not be allowed to live._

_Amarant: Seems a little extreme._

_EF: Life is not fair._

_Amarant: True._

_EF: Well, see you guys next chapter. Gotta bury James._


	10. Chapter 10: The Parody is On Strike

Chapter 10: The Parody is On Strike

Henry found himself falling. Which was not necessarily a good thing, considering he couldn't see the ground. So, he did what any real man would do in that situation.

'Mommy!' he screamed as he curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth.

And just then he found himself on solid land. A cold, black obsidian it was, and the sky around them was black. Walter Sullivan stood before him. A pipe was in his hand, of course, and a pistol. His trademark trench coat was bloody.

'Damnit, I just had this dry-cleaned!' he growled as he observed it, not noticing Henry, who had pulled out his revolver and was aiming it at Walter's head. Walter then chose to look up. '_HOLY SHIT!_' He dove out of the way and came up with his pistol aimed at our hero.

'I'm gonna kill you for killing James,' Henry seethed as he took aim again.

'I didn't do it!' Walter wailed.

'. . . but I _saw_ you do it, you dumbass.'

'Oh.' Walter paused. 'I didn't mean to!'

'Didn't mean to, you shot him right in the heart!'

'Can't a man miss his target!'

'Then what were you shooting at?'

'. . . Maria.'

'. . . well, that makes sense, but I don't believe you!' Henry fired; Walter dodged and exchanged bullets with Townshend. The young man jumped back and avoided them, then, when Walter was empty, came at him with his axe.

'Can't we just get along!?' Walter pleaded as he parried the axe blows.

'I can only get along with your corpse!' Henry retorted.

Author: . . . heh . . .

'What?'

Richard: (snickering)

'What did I say?'

Richard: Nothing smart.

Author: Nothing funny.

'I am acting my heart out here,' Henry huffed.

'Yeah, cut him some slack. The writers are on strike.'

Author: I am the writer.

'Exactly.'

Author: I'm not on . . . hmm . . .

**Attention readers: The author, EternalFlare, has decided to go on strike for very confidential reasons, not limited to intense amounts of gaming. The story will now be co-written by Sephiroth from Darkcomet's universe, and Tom from The Nameless—**

Tom: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

**Attention: On second thought, it will be co-written by Richard Brainfart and—**

Richard: No. Hell no.

**Attention: The story will now be co-written by Conan O'Brien and Master Shake.**

Amarant: Actually, Conan refused.

**Attention: DAMNIT, WILL ANYONE ELSE WRITE THIS FUCKING STORY!?**

Maria: I—

**Attention: SHUT UP, WHORE.**

Master Shake: My offer still stands.

**Attention: What about that dude that makes the Awesome movies? Egoraptor?**

Richard: Pshh . . . yeah right.

**Attention: LegendaryFrog?**

Amarant: Nope.

**Attention: Okay . . . anyone willing to write the story?**

Amarant: I guess I will.

**Attention: . . . come on, Richard . . .**

Master Shake: Hey bitch, let's get this show on the road!

**Attention: Where were we?**

— — — _The Farplane — — —_

'Butteflies,' drooled a man in a green jacket, with blonde hair and smelling like wet dog, as he looked at the pyreflies.

— — — _Back to the thing — — — _

'I'll get you for James's death!' Henry yelled, swiping at Walter with his axe. And just then, Walter started doing a bunch of Matrix-style backflips. Yeah, and then Henry busted out with some kung-fu moves, and scissor-kicked Walter in the balls. Then Master Shake popped in and began to play a wicked guitar solo. Then Amarant killed him.

Master Shake: _HEY! _I run the show around here!

Amarant: Oh shut up, you haven't appeared for two whole parodies!

Master Shake: At least I was here for the first one! Eat that, sucka!

Amarant: I could crush you between my palms, cup.

Master Shake: Yeah, keep telling yourself that, giant freak. You ain't crushin' jack.

Crono: I'm scared.

Henry and Walter continued fighting like it was some action movie, and then Henry had Walter on the ground.

'Say uncle!' the brunette screamed.

'No!' Walter wailed as he threw a tantrum.

Richard: You morons aren't making any sense!

Master Shake: Don't ridicule me, it's genius here who's typing.

Amarant: Am not.

Master Shake: Are too.

Amarant: _AM NOT._

Master Shake: _**ARE TOO.**_

Richard: Okay, this is going too far—

Master Shake: Back off there, Mr. Zombie, I think I can handle this. Amarant . . . we're gonna have to let you go.

Amarant: Suck it, cup.

Richard: Phew, that was a mean right-hook.

Amarant: Tell me about it.

Richard: Okay. You reared back, and then you—

Amarant: Stop the sarcasm, it hurts my knuckles.

Richard: You suck.

Amarant: He does.

Master Shake: My face! You bruised my beautiful face! _DEMON!_ You're a demon! Back, spawn of Satan!

Richard: You go left.

Amarant: Got it.

Master Shake: GET AWAY!

Richard: _GET BACK HERE, CUP!_

Tom: Okay, now's my chance. Sephiroth, if you're reading—

Richard: No!

Tom: Oww! Stop!

**Attention: After much arguing, debating, tickling, many pillow-fights, and a few beers, the Nameless Parody has decided to take a new approach.**

**Introducing the newest segment: Tom's view of the wo—err, Frog's view of the world!**

Frog sat in a chair.

'The world?' he asked. 'Oh. 'Tis very gay, as far as I see it.'

**That was Frog's view of the world! Now to Robo's segment!**

Robo sat with Frog upon a stooleth. Ye flask was beside him. Just kidding. Anyway, Robo sprouted a projector.

'In my segment, we're going to watch deleted scenes from the original Nameless Parody: this one is the cut-out fight between James and the Doorman! Let's watch:'

— **Deleted Scene!!!!! —**

**James walked casually into the room, until he spied Angela. He then turned frantically to the door.**

'**Please God, no! No, no, NO!' he screamed as he pounded it. 'Don't do this, NO! You can't, you can't! Mercy! Mercy! Open up! Noooooo!'**

'**Ahhh!' Angela screamed as she cowered before the huge Doorman thingy.**

'**Oh Angela, I didn't notice you here,' James said, now completely calm, standing up.** **'Whoa, is this your girlfriend? She's got a bit of a 'stache . . .'**

'**Daddy, no!' she screamed.**

'**Oh . . . oh . . . OH! EWWW!!! INCEST! EWWW!'**

**The Doorman turned and roared at James.**

'**What'd you say, mofo?' James said.**

'**I said that your fly is down,' it said in a British accent.**

'**Oh. Thanks.' As James zipped up his pants, the Doorman sucked him towards its mouth. 'Eww! This is—in the name of all that's sacred, eat a Mentos!'**

'**Is it that bad?' the Doorman asked, spitting James out. It pulled out a Mentos, and as it tried to eat it, James smacked it with the plank. It fell to the ground, and roared. 'Whoa, nice one.'**

'**Yeah, I learned it from Kung Lao.'**

'**Who?'**

'**Your mom!'**

**The Doorman paused. 'W-W-Why'd you have to s-say that?'**

'**Oh, dude, I'm sorry man. I didn't mean anything.'**

'**Really?'**

'_**NO!**_**' James screamed as he unloaded a crap-load of pistol rounds into the Doorman. It died.**

**Angela sat huddled in the corner, rocking back and forth. '**_**Every little thing she does is magic—**_**' she chanted very quickly.**

'**Dude, get up. Seriously, it's not funny.'**

**Angela stood up and picked up the TV, and, with a cry, threw it on the corpse. The TV broke.**

'**NO!' James screamed. 'You—how could you! You killed a person, AND YOU BROKE A TELEVISION! DEMONSPAWN!'**

'**Don't touch me!' Angela screamed.**

'**Group hug!' James yelled and wrapped his arms around Angela tightly. She wailed.**

'**I know all about you! You didn't love her anyway!'**

'**Who, Mary? Ha! You're right! Good job, you made the connexion!'**

'**Connection.'**

'**Huh?'**

'**It's connection.'**

'**British use "connexion".'**

'**Well we're American.'**

**Younger Author: You know what Angela? We don't care. Honestly, we don't. So just shut up.**

'**But we're American!'**

**Younger Author: Well, now you're not, since you've been deported.**

'**But I haven't––'**

**Suddenly men in suits came and took her away, as she screamed.**

'**Wow, that was . . . quick.'**

**Younger Author: That's what she said.**

'**. . .'**

**Younger Author: Wait . . . oops. Shh, I hate this joke. It's so hard to get right.**

'**That's what she said.'**

**Younger Author: . . . I HATE YOU!**

— **End of Deleted Scene —**

**Next, we have survival tips from Auron—**

Author: What is going on here?

Richard: . . . oh. Well, when you went on strike, we all fought over authorship—

Author: I was out for ten minutes and you screw the whole Parody up.

Amarant: . . . no!

Richard: No way!

Author: . . .

Richard: Yes.

Amarant: Yeah, kinda.

Author: . . .

Richard: Okay, totally.

Amarant: Beyond repair.

Author: It's going to take far more than my power to repair the Parody. Everyone on FanFic must hold hands, and then we must sacrifice a flamer.

Everyone on FanFic: No way.

Sacrifice: I got nothing to live for anyway.

Author: Let's get to it.

— — — _A lot of discomfort and a bucket of blood later — — —_

Author: Okay, everyone, the Parody is back online!

Everyone on FanFic: Crap.

Then the Author fixed everything, and Henry and Walter were back where they originally were.

'What a bloody pointless piece of writing this was,' Henry muttered.

Author: . . . what do you think the Parody _is_? It's nothing intelligible!

'Let's just finish this,' Henry said as he lifted his axe.

_To be continued . . ._

— — —

_Was this pointless? Will Henry finish this? Was Angela deported? Find out next time on: The Nameless Parody 3!_

_EF: Time for Quality Time with Richard Brainfart!_

_Richard: Yay._

_Amarant: Woohoo._

_EF: First one from Darkcomet. If Amarant and Richard fought until one surrendered, who would win? Pshh, my money's on—uh . . ._

_Amarant & Richard: Who?_

_EF: The cool one._

_Amarant & Richard: Oh. Sweet—wait, I'm the cool one! NO I'M THE COOL ONE!_

— — — _Five minutes later — — — _

_Richard: What happened?_

_EF: You nerd-slapped 'til you passed out._

_Amarant: Who won?_

_EF: There's no way of knowing._

_Richard: Ahem. Next question._

_EF: Oh, you'll like this one. Spearofhope wants to know about your one-night stand with Ultimecia._

_Richard: HOW WOULD I LIKE TALKING ABOUT THAT?_

_EF: I meant Amarant._

_Amarant: No need, because I found this old movie. It's a hidden camera; it appears that some hidden camera show was taping here, and . . . well . . . then the sex started . . ._

_EF: Put it in._

_Richard: Oh my gawsh, my life is totally over . . ._

— — — _On the movie screen — — —_

'Hey baby,' came Richard's voice as a very young version of himself walked through the door. 'Is Leonfart here?'

'No,' Ultimecia purred seductively as she laid down on the couch. 'Squall is away on some gay SeeD quest.'

'That's tight,' Richard grinned as he leapt on Ultimecia and began to . . . ugh . . . you can guess.

— — —

_EF: OH DEAR GOD! MAKE IT STOP!_

_Amarant: Dude, there's vomit all over!_

_EF: I CAN'T STO—_

_Amarant: GOD IT'S ON THE CHAIR!_

_Richard: MUAHAHAHAHA! BEHOLD MY LOVEMAKING!_

_Tom: I'm better._

_Richard: No, I'm way better. See the thrusts? I time it just right. I've seen you and Sephiroth, you just had no timing—_

_Amarant: SHUT UP YOU SICK MOFOS!_

_Richard: Yeah, get out of here. Ahem. Next question._

_EF: Another Darkcomet . . . ugh . . . question. THAT IMAGE IS IN MY HEAD FOREVER!_

_Richard: Read the question!_

_EF: Your muffin was poisoned._

_Richard: Oh I spit that out. Shit was sick-nasty._

_EF: Hmm. Next:_ _— oh no._

_Amarant: What?_

_EF: It's for Tom._

_Tom: Huh? _

_EF: (Forgive me for what I am about to unleash) How did you get past Darkcomet's hamster and rabbit._

_Tom: . . ._

_EF: What does that grin mean?_

_Amarant: You . . . sick . . . oh my . . . UGH!_

_EF: NOT AGAIN—_

_Richard: Should I get—_

_EF: BLAAARG!_

_Richard: — some digestive?_

_Amarant: YOU ARE A SICK, SICK DEMON!_

_Tom: What? I petted them and gave them feed!_

_EF: . . ._

_Amarant: . . . oh._

_Richard: LOLZ NOOBS NXT QSTN ROTFL!_

_EF: What?_

_Richard: Just read the next interrogative sentence._

_EF: Okay, dartigen asks: Favourite song, band, and Asian food._

_Richard: Band: Soundgarden; Song: Burden In My Hand; food: tacos._

_Amarant: Band: Megadeth; Song: Symphony of Destruction; food: sushi._

_EF: Band: Stone Temple Pilots; Song: Down; food: umm . . . raincheck._

_Auron: Can I go?_

_EF: No. Go away._

_Auron: Dangit._

_EF: Okay, that commences this chapter. From all of us here at the Lodge: keep your stick on the ice._

_Amarant: You're a cheap bastard._

_EF: Yup._


	11. Chapter 11: The Drawing of the Circle

Chapter 11: The Drawing of the Circle

'Die!' Henry yelled as he charged forth with the Axe of Ultimate Destiny. Walter dodged and swung his pipe into Henry's balls. '_Good — oww — fuck . . ._' Henry said in a very high voice as he fell to the ground.

'Ooh!' Walter screamed as he danced a victory dance of victory. 'That's right, bitch! Don't fuck with Walter Sulliv—'

'Shut up, damn,' Henry said as he shot Walter in the abdomen. The blonde fell to the ground, cursing.

'No guns . . . not . . . fair.'

'Well, I got a ball-shot; so, in turn, I gave you a gun-shot.'

'Ha-ha-ha, real clever.'

'Shut up.' Henry shot Walter again. In the balls.

'Hah! I don't use them any—' He trailed off.

'Yeah, I know: you take it.'

'Take what . . . . . . . oh, _EWW, NO!_' Walter pulled out his pistol and started blasting at Henry.

'Other direction,' Henry called. Walter turned around.

'Thanks.' He then shot Henry in the shoulder.

'Shit,' Townshend muttered as he fell back, unconscious.

'Aha!' Walter yelled in triumph. 'I have you now—'

Henry then sprang up and shot Walter thirty times in the chest. The blonde fell, stunned. Henry then unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a bullet-proof vest.

'What the fuck!' Walter cried, slamming his fist on the ground.

'Found it in Maria's "wardrobe",' Henry shrugged. He then stood up and walked over to Walter and kicked him hard in the ribs. 'That's for killing James!'

— — — _Meanwhile, in the Farplane — — —_

'So you mean EternalFlare made you too!?' James cried with wonder as he looked at a tall man with black hair.

'Yeah — name's Ralph,' the man said. 'I was from "The Holy Mother".'

'Huh. How'd you die?'

'I locked some fag up in his apartment, then tried to sacrifice him. It . . . didn't turn out too well.'

'That same thing happened to me, too!' James cried. 'Me and my husb—friend, Henry!'

'Are you gay?'

'I don't know.'

'If so . . . call me.'

'You know, I got a friend named Tom . . . I think you'd like him.'

'Oh, Tom! That crazy bastard. The bitch that killed me almost killed him, too. He and his brother, Jim, ran away though. Pussies. Left me and Rob to die.'

'You scare me.'

'I get that a lot.'

Then a cigar-smoking Pyramid Head walked up to them. ''Ey, I'm Rob.'

'You scare me too,' James said, smiling.

'Sometimes I scare myself,' Rob said, shaking James's hand.

And then Tingle from The Legend of Zelda floated by.

'What the fuck!' Ralph cried in frustration as he shot Tingle down. 'Fairy won't stay dead!'

'Tell me about it,' said Link as he carried Tingle off.

— — — _Back in the real world — — — _

'I'm surprised too,' Amarant said. 'Usually he just says "Fuck it" when he opens this up, then goes to play Warhammer 40K. But he actually started writing this. He's got about 10 percent integrity, I think.'

Author: . . . are you . . . talking about me?

'No, the other EternalFlare,' Maria said.

Author: . . . bitch, if I didn't both enjoy insulting you and, regrettably, think you're hot, I'd smite you with a thunderbolt.

'Oh, you're too tense. Let me come up there and . . . relax you.'

'You haven't relaxed me in a while,' Tom said ambiguously.

'Have Sephiroth do that,' the insanely hot, beautiful woman said as she phased out of time and entered the writing . . . thing.

Maria: Finally, I'm in here!

Author: . . . I'm not sure this is a good idea . . .

Maria: I'll be good . . .

Amarant: Bad idea.

Maria: _WHAT THE—HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE SO FAST!_

Author: That's what she said.

Amarant: Nice.

**Get her out of here.**

Maria: Oh shut up! You're just mad 'cuz I gave you _enderoscrotiavaginapenalovarianrectalenflamenitis._

**Don't talk about that.**

Richard: I think that's what's wrong with this world — we don't talk about our problems.

Then a spotlight appeared on Richard, and he bowed his head.

Amarant: (He's breaking out into—)

And then the stage exploded with pyrotechnics and stuff; Richard began to sing—

Amarant: That's more like 'wailing'.

—an extremely heavy-metal song.

Maria: Tom, put that lighter down.

Tom: . . . who do you think you are?

Maria: Your wife.

Tom: . . . oh yeah. But still . . . shut up.

Amarant: I sense some relationship issues.

Maria: Yeah, good job.

Tom: She's being bitchy.

Maria: Well you know, Tom, you could try being more sensitive.

Tom: _SENSITIVE!? __**SENSITIVE!?**_ How am I not sensitive? Do you remember what I got for Christmas!?

Maria: Oooh, how could I forget!

— _Flashback —_

_Maria is sitting on the couch when Tom shows up holding a gift box._

'_Ooh!' she shrieks as she opens the box — and inside is Tom's . . ._

'_Oh honey!' she cried, 'it's your d!$ in a box!'_

'_Yeah, it took forever to get it prepared. You know how it goes . . .'_

_Then Henry and James popped up, sporting sunglasses and holding boxes at waist-level._

'_One:' Henry said._

'_Cut a hole in a box,' James followed._

'_Two:'_

'_Put your junk in that box.'_

'_Three:'_

'_Make her open the box; and that's the way you do it!'_

— _End Flashback —_

Tom: You know, the idea for that video wasn't as funny when we got a million flames. Damn YouTube.

Author: I gave you a positive review.

Maria: Do 'Lazy Sunday!'

Tom: No.

Amarant: I'll do it. I think we, uh, all know . . . I like cupcakes.

Author, Tom, and Maria: No. We did _NOT_ know that.

Amarant: But Maria used to make them all the time in 302! And—and—they had the little, little sprinkles that came in red and green, and cute pink frosting, and when you bit into them you didn't think the cream would stop flowing! _I REMEMBER YOU MADE CUPCAKES!_'

Richard: I remember you ate _MUSHROOMS_, and then spun around the whole apartment building screaming '_WHY DO YOU SHUN ME, CUPCAKE GODDESS?_'

Amarant: . . . I thought they were crunchy.

— — — _Whatever the hell's happening, back to douchebag — — —_

'Him or me?' Walter asked.

— — — _The ugly one — — —_

'Whoo, you gonna let him talk about you like that?' Henry cried.

'Yes, because my beef is with you!'

'That would be what's for dinner.'

'I don't get it, but that's okay, I'll Google it when you're dead!' Walter pulled forth the Shabby Doll. 'Die!' he screamed as he threw the semen-covered item at the brunette.

BANG.

The revolver blasted the little dollie into pieces and sent it to the ground. Walter cried.

Then, however, a large shadow reached out and drew itself to great height, though remaining formless.

'Finally, someone released me from that shithole!' it cried.

'What?' Walter screamed.

'Oh fuck off,' the demon muttered as it opened a portal and sent Walter through it. It then turned to Henry while Walter screamed. 'You must be the chosen one!'

'No. I'm not.'

'But—'

'Uh-uh. I'm a guy who just wants a damned beer.'

'Werd,' the demon agreed. 'Unfortunately, I don't believe you. So . . . die!'

Henry found himself, in almost an instance, flying through all of space and time as he was flung into a portal. He landed hard on the street.

'Oh . . . shit.'

'Who are you?' came a voice next to him. Henry stood to see a tall man, gaunt, with two revolvers at his sides and missing his index and middle finger on his right hand.

'I'm your dad, now go get me a drink, son.'

'Go to Hell.'

'Not a fun guy, I see.'

'I'm looking for something.'

'Whatever.'

'It's the Dark Tower.'

'I don't care.'

'I've been looking for ages now—'

'_IF I CARED I WOULD HAVE . . ._ ehh . . . _TOLD _. . . _YOU_.'

'You're gay.'

'Speak for yourself.'

'. . .'

'Where's the narrator?'

'I don't know who you're talking about.'

'He hasn't said anything in a while.'

'Do you have any bullets?'

'Wait a minute.'

— — — _Six hours later_ — — —

'OMFG! YOU JUST GAVE ME THREE-THOUSAND REVOLVER BULLETS!' the dude said.

'I got infinite ammo. Still working on God Mode . . . anyway, I'm Henry.'

'I'm Roland. I am the last gunslinger.'

'How can you sling anything with that hand? I guess you use the other one for happy time.'

'Happy time?'

'When you bait like a master.'

'I do not understand.'

'Jacking off, pulling your pork, happy time, take your pick.'

'You have pork pulling in this world? I like the part when the pig squeals, and then the genitals fall to the—'

'Eww. Bye.' Henry walked away.

'Wait. Where am I?'

'I . . . don't know.'

'It's really cold here, sai.'

'Sai?'

'Sai.'

'Like the Japanese weapon?'

'Beg your pardon, sai?'

'_I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!_'

'That would make two of us. By the way, there's a note on your back.'

'Oh, thanx.' Henry pulled it off and read it:

_You woke the Daemon up. Good God. How could you! That thing could destroy all of us! YOU'RE AN IDIOT! Anyway, if you don't want to burn in the depths of Hell for being a douche, then follow these steps:_

_I. You must gather the Five who live for Battle:_

— _The Dead Fool._

— _The Pale Giant._

— _The Awesome._

— _The Homosexual._

— _The Gunslinger._

_II. You must gather the Metallic Bards._

— _The Maiden-Voiced._

— _The Superluminous Drummer._

— _The Guitar Wizard._

— _The Scott Weiland (words can not describe him)_

— _The Brothers Rock_

— _The Other Guy_

_III. You must gather the Three who are Hindered:_

— _The Silent One._

— _The Temptress._

— _The Drunkard._

_IV. You must confront the Daemon, whose name is Wallace. I mean, something like Veandre-mahkalak. You know . . ._

'Who are these people?' Roland asked.

'Well, I think I know a few of them. Well, all of them. Yeah. I know everyone on this list.'

'Then specify — how will we gather them?'

'I'll help!' James cried behind them. Henry jumped.

'You're dead! But now you're alive! James! You're alive! But you were dead!' he screamed. 'How is this possible?'

'Magic,' James said, smiling.

Amarant: You cheap—you can't do that. That has Darkcomet written all over it.

Author: No it doesn't.

Amarant: I was wondering when you would make one more plug at the guy.

Author: This is not a _plug_ — it is simply me unwilling to do any work.

Amarant: . . . and using the cheapest plot device to do so.

Author: . . . and . . . ?

Amarant: Maybe I'll just bring him down here and—

Tom: Tell him to bring—

Author: Shut up Tom. Continue, Amarant.

Amarant: — make him beat you to a bloody pulp.

Author: Okay Amarant. You're right. That was very cheap of me. I'll change it.

Tom: What's that middle finger mean, EternalFlare?

Author: Okay, you're gonna die. I swear, I'm going to kill you off, and, unlike James, I will _not_ constantly bring you back!

Tom: . . . you mean it?

Author: No.

Tom: Crap.

Author: As I was saying—

Richard: Whew, it's a full moon tonight!

Author: What? _TOM!_

Tom: I was just on my way to the bathroom!

Richard: People usually wait until they're _in_ the room until they pull their . . . robes . . . down.

Tom: Me equal demon.

Richard: Pssh . . .

'Can we just get on to the _STORY_!' screamed Henry as he fired several hundred revolver rounds into the air.

'_You don't look, but you kick me — you can't feel, but you hit me — you can't deal with the way I pray!_' James screamed as he thrashed around.

'I missed you,' Henry laughed as he hugged the blonde retard.

'_I got a picture of a photograph — of a wedding in a shell — it's just a burnin' ancient memory — I never kiss and tell — __**(So tear it off and burn it, there's a hole in your head, there's a hole in your—**_'

'Okay, the singing thing stopped, like, five chapters ago.'

'_Find you in the dark — read you like a cheap surprise — though without shame — sell me out and frame your name — I can hear when the pig whispers sweetly — jealousy is the weapon you kill me—_'

'_SHUT UP JAMES!_' Henry screamed, and then smiled. 'You're alive!'

'Why wouldn't I be?'

'How did it happen?'

— — — _Flashback — — — _

_James was at the end of the Farplane entrance-thing, looking outside. Ralph was beside him, looking at his back-side._

'_I wish we could get out!' James screamed as he threw himself against the wall —_

—_and passed through._

_He froze for a moment before turning back and running inside the Farplane._

'_Hey everyone! The way's open! Come on!'_

_And all the souls there began to flood out._

— — — _End Flashback — — — _

'So you're telling me you let all the souls out of the Farplane?' Henry asked.

'What have you done?' Roland asked.

'Lol, you look funny!' James giggled.

Roland just looked at him hard.

Richard: Heh. You said 'hard'.

— — — _Somewhere else — — — _

Ralph Derecks rose up from the Farplane, holding a fireball and laughing maniacally. His eyes were glowing, and other freaky voodoo.

'Walter Sullivan . . . you will be mine!'

'Keep it in ya pants, busta,' said an old lady as she walked by.

'Explain yourself!' Ralph demanded. She walked on by. 'I demand you explain yourself!' She kept walking. 'No one ever listens to me . . .'

— – — _Back to the place with the thing — — —_

'I met this guy named Ralph,' James mused. 'I think Frog would like him.'

Henry stood there, thinking. 'Oh yeah! The Frog is gay jokes! I forgot about those. Good times.'

'Pardon, but if this story isn't going to make any sense, I want to leave,' said Roland.

'You've entered the Nameless Parody,' Henry said grimly. 'You can't leave.'

'Stephen King!' Roland screamed. 'Get me out!'

Author: _MUAHAHA! HE HAS NO POWER HERE!_

Amarant: Um, I'm sure all the people reading this want some plot action to happen. So . . . yeah. Advance.

Author: Plot? This thing has a plot!?

Amarant: Apparantly.

Author: Brb, I have to write some form of a storyline.

— — — _Ten days later — — — _

Author: Alright. Next chapter, there will be some serious plot—um . . . . . . . . . some serious storytelling!

Amarant: (coughbullshitcough).

— — —

_Will there be plot advancement? Is Ralph homosexual? Did I have to ask that question? Tune in next year for Chapter 12!_

_EF: Bla bla, Quality Time._

_Richard: No, NO. You tell these people why you haven't done schnit to this story in apparantly months._

_EF: I caught . . . laryngitis . . . of the rectum . . . and then I had my finger removed . . . and then I caught pneumonia. And my mom caught pneumonia too._

_Amarant: No. The truth._

_EF: Okay, I've been a bad boy. Being lazy, playing Dawn of War, and bringing my grades up. I've also made some Macromedia Flash movies. So I haven't been busy, I've just been on an unofficial hiatus._

_Amarant: Did you know you made spearofhope cried? Did you? DID YOU? You horrible person!_

_EF: Really? Whew, sorry if I did—_

_Amarant: Nah, I don't know. Why don't we ask him?_

**If you have any sightings of spearofhope, call 1-800-1337 to notify the Nameless Parody officials. Being Amarant and Richard. Remember to ask him if he cried.**

_EF:_ _Can't we just email—_

_Amarant: NO! WE CAN NOT EMAIL HIM!_

_Richard: I LIKE TO YELL TOO!_

_Amarant: THAT'S REALLY NICE!_

_Richard: I LOVE MARIA!_

_Tom: WHAT?_

_Richard: I DON'T KNOW! YOU MUST BE HEARING THINGS! GET THAT CHECKED!_

_Tom: ROGER!_

_Amarant: I KNOW HIM!_

_EF: Please, guys, stop._

_Amarant: WHAT? STOP WHAT? I'M ANSWERING QUESTIONS! CAN'T YOU TELL?_

_Richard: Stopped being funny when Tom ruined it._

_Amarant: Ahem. Yeah. You're right._

_EF: First question: From Darkcomet — Are you and Amarant on the train to Bangkok, to the Red Sector A, to meet Tom Sawyer, who is a New World Man?_

_Richard: Close — we are not taking the train to Bangkok; we are taking Amarant's Red Barchetta. We also plan on asking Tom Sawyer where the Body Electric is, so we can undergo a Witch Hunt, and hopefully find the Working Man. If we're lucky we'll find a Vapour Trail leading to a Spindrift._

_Tom: Didn't he say he would do a puppet show?_

_Amarant: It's on YouTube._

_Tom: Oh._

_Richard: Didn't he carpet bomb your house and kill Maria?_

_Amarant: No._

_Richard: I meant Tom._

_Tom: Ha! That would be impossible, as I don't have a house! And Maria, well, Maria convinced Darkcomet not to kill her._

_Amarant: BAD THOUGHTS! PLEASE! NEXT QUESTION!_

_Tom: (all she did was write him a check, spaz)_

_EF: Richie, are you glad James is dead? And if anyone else could die, who would it be?_

_Richard: Of course I'm not glad James is dead! He was my little buddy! Like the time we started a band, or the time we both went drinking, or the time we took pictures of Maria on the toi—and, uh, I'd pick, probably, Henry. Because I have a suspicion that he's gay._

_EF: Next question — oh. That's it. No more. We're done here. It's over. Finito._

_Amarant: Well then, 'til next time, I'm Amarant—_

_Richard: —and I'm Richard—_

_EF: —telling you: Parody out._


	12. Chapter 12: The Final Battle Again

Chapter 12: The Final Battle . . . Again . . .

**Warning: chapter contains unlimited amount of awesomeness. This unlimited awesome may cause permanent brain damage, dysentery, radiation poisoning, super powers including but not limited to being spider-like and/or growing claws, munchies, and the jibblies. Thou hast been warninated.**

'_And the tiger strode across the forest — looking for a place to feed — a solar flare erupted up in outer space — a shuttle blazed at earth at lighting speeds,_' sang Geddy Lee as he and the rest of Rush practiced in a studio.

Then Henry and James . . . eh, and Roland I guess . . . burst up on the scene. They were covered in blood and sweat.

'Your bodyguards are pitiful!' James laughed as he pulled an arrow out of his hip and threw it down.

Neil Peart played a drum solo as he took a drink of Pepsi and changed his shirt. 'We don't have any bodyguards,' he said while he did it.

'I told you those were businessmen,' Henry sighed. 'But you said "No! They got suitcases, with which they can use to go 'Terminator' on us!"'

'Wait, then how did James get arrowed?' James said.

'Don't refer to yourself in the third-person.'

'Okay, James said,' James said.

'_STOP DOING THAT!_'

'_Can I ask what's going oOOOOOOOOOOOoooonnn!!!!!!!!!!????_' Geddy wailed.

Alex Lifeson played a massive guitar solo, which Neil, while drum soloing and playing Gears of War on Insane, translated as 'Yeah, what's the deal?'

'Well,' James began . . .

— _Flashback —_

'_What do you mean we're terminators!?' screamed a businessman as he was shot in the face by James's handgun._

'_These people are unarmed, Mr. Sunderland,' Roland growled at James._

'_That's what they want you to think,' James said, 'but _I_ know better!'_

'_Did you get into the medicine cabinet again?' Henry asked._

'_What makes you think—FLYING DUCKS!' James ducked and screamed, flailing his arms about._

_There was nothing._

'_Okay, I had a few pills,' James admitted as they advanced._

—_End Flashback—_

'_You people are weird — but we can diiiiiiiig that!_' Geddy wailed.

Alex absolutely shredded his guitar for, like, twenty minutes, while spinning. Neil played a drum solo while reading _The Lord of the Rings_ and playing _Dance Dance Revolution_, and also translated for Alex: 'What do you want with us?'

Henry spoke: 'Well, you see, we've got to round you up so we can fight a demon or something. I forget.'

'We're fighting Wallace, the Daemon,' Roland said. 'That's the worst joke the author has ever written.'

'You obviously don't know our author,' James declared.

Author: . . . thanks . . . ?

Neil played his drums so fast that they floated (somehow) while breakdancing and battling six ninjas armed with daggers, and saying 'Fighting Daemons? Sounds like a new and exciting experience.'

Maria: I'll show him an exciting experience.

Tom: That's it. I can't take it. Come with me.

Maria: Where are we going?

Tom: To 'therapy'.

Maria: No.

Tom: Yes.

Maria: Why are we in our bedroo—oh, you dirty little demon!

Tom: _COME HERE!!!_

James smiled. 'I'm mentally scarred!' he giggled.

'Hey author! Where are they, anyway?'

Author: Room 302. So is Eileen. Remember her?

'. . .'

Author: Me neither.

'I can't wait to get home and hug Ms. Galvin!' James said. 'I'm gonna hug her tight and never let go, and then I'm gonna kiss her all over her face and tell her never to go away again!'

Henry shuddered. 'My thoughts exactly.'

Author: Henry, you naughty boy.

Henry snapped out of it and scowled. 'Stop getting off track! Rush, you're coming with us, now _MOVE_!'

Just then a portal opened _ala_ the Author, and everyone flew through it, landing in Room 302.

'Hiya James!' Eileen said as she bounced on the . . . table. 'Hiya Henry!!!!'

'_MISS GALVIN!_' James screamed as he tackled Eileen. 'Don't ever go away—'

'_SHE'S MINE!_' Henry wailed as he grabbed James and ripped him off her, then leapt on her.

'Tee-hee! The love in this room is so fluffy!' Eileen giggled.

Auron ran up and grabbed Henry's collar. '_I WANT HER!_' Everyone looked at him weirdly — he let go and stood up straight, looking around. 'Well (sniff) I got the fly that was on your collar, Henry. So . . . have fun.' Auron then went and played 'Frets On Fire'.

'_AWKWARD SILENCE!!!_' Geddy Lee wailed while playing a massive bass solo.

— — — _Ten minutes later — — — _

Richard appeared in Room 302 with the list of the things that Henry got. 'Well, I analyzed the thing you gave me, Henry, and I've found out who it is you must find.'

'Who?' Henry asked as shifted on the couch, having been sleeping.

'Well, the Dead Fool is quite obvious.'

'No it's not! James said,' James said.

Richard just looked at him. 'Point proven. Anyway, next we have . . . the Pale Giant.'

'Me,' Amarant said as he scoured the fridge and pulled out a beer.

Brainfart cleared his throat. 'The Awesome should be . . . quite obvious.'

'Me,' Tom said.

'No.'

'Me?' Crono asked.

'No . . .'

'Me?' James asked.

'You've already been picked!'

'Me?' Maria asked.

Richard shook his head, at loss for words. 'No one likes you!'

Frog opened his mouth to speak.

'_ME! IT'S ME! I'M THE AWESOME! BRAINFART (OOH!), YOU IMBECILES!_'

Maria frowned. 'Everyone likes me.' After ten minutes of laughter, Richard spake—spoke—again.

'The Homosexual is the most obvious.' Everyone looked, immediately, at Frog, who clenched his fists and bellowed.

'_I AM NOT GAY!_' he screamed, enraged.

'Yeah right,' Richard scoffed. 'Next, we have, The Gunslinger.'

Roland stood up. 'That's me,' he said.

'Well, now, we've got everyone from that par— ' Suddenly Roland was sucked into a vortex, and Stephen King's voice roared from nowhere:

'You can fuck your own creations up!'

Then the Author and Stephen King engaged in a mighty battle, which caused the ruin of all about it, and at last EternalFlare stood victorious; but Stephen King and Roland escaped, and of what happened to them none know. And so followed the Great Age of Parodies, in which writers were free to make fun of anything, no matter how dull — and it came to pass that Darkcomet and EternalFlare and spearofhope and everyone else who had a written parody on Fan Fic would rule for the time.

Then EternalFlare woke up, and said 'Damnit!' — for the whole thing was but a dream, and his parody still sucked ass.

But Roland was gone.

'Now who the hell's the Gunslinger!?' Henry cried. 'Who do we know that uses a revolver-type gun?'

— — — _Five minutes later_ — — —

'Okay,' Richard said, we've got Rush with us now.' In response, Neil Peart played a drum solo so massive that the room shook and Maria gave birth — not really. 'Now who is the other band?'

Everyone sat in thought, except for James, who had headphones on — however, the music was blaring through speakers because the phones weren't plugged in.. '_Can you see like a child? — Can you see what I want? — I wanna run through your wicked garden, heard that's the place to find you — 'cuz I'm alive, so alive now, I know the darkness binds you — Can you see without eyes? — Can you speak without lies? — I wanna drink from your naked fountain, I can drown your sorrows — I'm gonna burn, burn you alive now, out of the chains that bind you — __**(Can you see just like a child?) — (Can you see just what I want?) — (Can I bring you back to life?) — (Are you still ali-ei-ei-ei-ei-ei-ei-ei-ei-ei-ei—) — BUUUUUUURN, BURN BURN! — Burn your wicked garden down! — BUUUUURN, BURN BURN! — Burn your wicked garden to the ground, yeah —**_'

'Stone Temple,' Richard said.

'Yup,' everyone agreed.

Then magically Scott Weiland, Robert and Dean DeLeo, and Eric Kretz appeared.

'Eric, are you sure?' Robert asked Scott.

'This is where the Awesomeness was located,' Eric said as he pointed a remote control at Richard.

'Are the batteries in?' Scott asked.

'No,' Eric replied.

'Oh . . . my . . . _GAWD!_' James screamed shrilly as he leapt thirty-six feet and three inches into the air — somehow not hitting the ceiling. 'It's you! Stone Temple Pilots, oh man I am your biggest fan!'

—_Flashback—_

_Stone Temple Pilots are performing on stage, at a concert, in front of hundreds of people. At the moment they're playing 'Trippin' On a Hole In a Paper Heart'._

'_Fake the heat and scratch the itch — skinned up knees and softened lips,' Scott sang into the mike, with James in the front row wearing a Metallica t-shirt._

'_Scott!' he screamed, and then moaned. 'Oh Scott! Have my baby!'_

_Scott continued on like nothing was happening, then the guitar solo came up, and James poured gasoline all over himself, then struck a match. Instantly he erupted into flames, and leapt on stage, throwing himself at Scott._

'_I — I love you!' he yelled as he felt his way around the stage. Finally he fell down, writhing, before he stopped moving._

_A moment of silence ensued, and then the band immediately broke out into 'Silver Gun Superman'._

—_End Flashback—_

'What do you mean I'm your father!' Richard screamed.

Author: We're not that far ahead, Richard.

'Why am I everyone's dad!? Walter's, STP's, who's next?'

Author: Well, I read an intersting fact about Bob Dole—

'_SHUT UP!_'

Henry stepped in. 'Can we get on with the story? Damn.' He turned to Richard. 'What about that last three?'

Richard grabbed the list and read it. 'Silent One is damn obvious.'

_Me_, Crono said in sign language.

'Okay, now the Temptress — hmm . . . who here qualifies as a who–Maria.'

'So my role is a prostitute, basically?' Maria asked.

Richard thought a moment. 'Pretty much.'

'Yay!' Tom cried, 'something she's good at!'

'The last one I can't figure out,' Richard mused. 'I don't know anyone here who _isn't_ addicted to alcohol.'

'Yeah, but who is glaringly addicted to alcohol?' Auron asked as he came into the room. 'I mean, we're talking someone who drinks constantly.' He took a shot of sake and continued. 'If the world depends on this, then you better—' He took another huge swig. '—find the guy!' He then burped and took another drink.

'I got it!' James said, and he then pointed to Tom. 'It's you!'

Author: _OH MY GOD! IT'S AURON! IT'S AURON YOU IDIOTS!_

'. . . Oh.' James sat back and pouted.

Scott Weiland raised his hand. 'What are we talking about?'

Eric nodded. 'I'm lost.

'Well,' Richard began when a vortex opened up and sucked everyone through; they found themselves before an enormous tower, with a massive black gate against a wall of stone. Behind them was a field of marshmallows or something, who cares?

Henry growled. 'Grr! Seriously!? What's with the teleporting! It's pissing me off!'

'_Shut up,_' came a voice from the sky. '_I'm totally omnipotent, I don't have to listen to your whining. So kill that daemon, puss, and maybe I'll consider—wait, what were we talking about?_'

Author: You said you were going to give me fifty bucks if that daemon died.

'_Oh did I? Sorry, sometimes my memory slips up. Anyway . . . wait . . . kill the daemon! Retards . . ._'

'What are you?' James asked innocently.

'_I am Olothoiridrimadirosindarikhumalitamro. You can call me Rick._'

'Well . . ._ Rick_ . . . where's the—' Henry began when suddenly a massive, flaming figure burst from the tower, and landed on the gate . . . halfway, hitting his balls on a defensive tower.

'**Oh my Olothoiridrimadirosindarikhumalitamro!**' the creature yelled as it collapsed off the tower and fell onto the ground, rolling back and forth, holding its balls. '**Medic . . . medic . . .**'

Ralph Dereckson appeared in the big tower from where the daemon had burst. 'You owe me a new wall, you son of a—'

'**Well, I see you . . . . . . . . made it . . . . .**' the Wallace the daemon struggled to say while standing.

'_Quick!_' Olothoiridri—Rick— said. '_While the Music distracts him, the Chosen must act quickly, and the Hindered shall form a Bond to send him into the depths of the Underworld!_'

Henry looked blankly at the sky. 'WHAT!?'

'_For my sake . . . look, Stone Temple Pilots and Rush will distract him and then the fighters kick his ass, then the other three hold hands and open a gate to send him to the place where bad people go. Simple enough!?_'

'Gotcha!' James said as he thumbs-upped.

'Play a song!' Henry called to Scott.

Scott threw up his hands. 'We have no damn instruments!' he screamed.

'_Oh. Here._' A vortex opened up and a bass, a guitar, a mic, and a drum set sailed through the air and hit each member in the face. '_Now play a song, you dumbasses._'

'Let the Ringbearer decide,' Richard said. 'I mean, James. Let him decide. He did set himself on fire for them.'

' "Glide!"' James yelled gleefully.

Eric looked at him blankly. 'Of all the songs, you want us to play "Glide"!?'

'_Wallace likes hard, heavy rock. Play something heavy. Like . . ._'

'WICKED GARDEN!' everyone screamed at once.

Tom scratched his head. 'I don't get any of this. I've never even heard of this band!'

'That,' Richard said, 'is why no one likes you.'

And then the band broke out into the greatest song ever made, and Wallace the daemon watched them intently, as the Sons of Brainfart played their rock and roll music so loud that it shook the foundations of the earth.

'_Now, you retards, attack him while he watches!_'

'Attack who?' James asked. 'Oh, the daemon.' And so the Five charged the One — and in that battle they battled fierce, and such a battle was the battle that all battles paled before this battle. And so they battled. Because this battle was filled with Awesomeness, which was present in so few battles, but this battle also had a battle within a battle, though that battle was a meagre battle that changed nothing in the course of the whole battle.

In that battle, Richard and Amarant valiantly attacked Wallace's flank, but flames roared, and the Awesomeness was struck down by a might greater than it (though it is prophesised that Richard Brainfart had not achived full Awesomeness, and indeed had never become one with Egoraptor, centre of Awesomeness). Richard and Amarant were fine, but seriously hurt.

Author: That made no sense.

And yet it did.

Author: . . . no. It _didn't_.

'_Shut up and watch._'

Then the four minutes were up, and all that remained were James and Henry and Frog.

'Rush! Now! Something long!' Henry yelled.

And so Rush burst into 2112. And even through the small parts, so entrancing was the power of Rush that Wallace could not look away, and when Frog was at last cast down, it had now come out of 'Soliloquy' — Henry and James were left with only a couple of minutes to bring down Wallace.

'This is gay,' Henry muttered as he whipped out his gun and blasted Wallace.

Author: So you're The Gunslinger, yet you used the axe the _whole time_!?

'Yeah, basically.'

Author: I'm so proud of my creation.

'You didn't create us, Konami did—'

'_SHUT UP AND KILL HIM, YOU RETARDED MORTALS!_'

'Will you shut up, Rick!?' Henry screamed loudly, and pumped sixty bullets into Wallace's head. Immediately, Wallace disappeared in a massive explosion, and there was no more battle, for in that battle, all battles were ended before they had begun. Not really. There were still battles. But this battle was no longer a battle, as the battle had ended. But if the battle was still going, it'd be a battle worth battling, as the battle would be so hopeless you'd laugh at the battle and say 'That's so hopeless! Why are they battling the battle!?' And they'd battle you about the validity of your view of the battle. But who would win that battle? None know, for they were killed. In battle.

And so a massive vortex opened, and all things were sucked (HAHAHA but seriously) into it: Ralph Derecks was sent to the Undyworld, with Wallace, and all others were sent to their respective places, Rush's studio, wherever STP was, and Room 302.

_To be Continued . . ._

— — —

_What is the ending? Is the world saved? Did Konami really make these characters? Find out in the Final Chapter of "The Nameless Parody 3"!!!_

_Eternal: Well my people, the Nameless Parody 3 has come to an end . . . next chapter._

_Richard: It's about time, I was getting tired of this crappy script and dumb co-star—_

_Eternal: It's not over entirely, just this one._

_Richard: — named Amarant, like I love like a brother and treasure above all else._

_Amarant: Whatever. I am actually sad that this is the last time our faithful six or so fans will ever see us._

_Eternal: What do you mean? I SAID THERE ARE OTHER—_

_Amarant: At the rate you update? PLEASE!_

_Richard: I for one would like to know how you plan on implementing another one of these._

_Eternal: Oh I have it all planned out. Now let's get to asking questions. First off is from Darkcomet's — What happened to the plot? Did it run away from you?_

_Richard: What?_

_Eternal: Actually, it was kidnapped. BY DARTIGEN!_

_(Silence)_

_Eternal: . . . . . by Spearofhope!_

_(Silence)_

_Eternal: . . . . . . . . . . . by Darkcomet?_

_Amarant: How did Darkcomet steal the plot when he asked about it?_

_Eternal: You see? It's the perfect cover up. Feigning that he didn't know._

_Richard: Aha . . . Darkcomet, you could be my prototype._

_Amarant: Uh . . . protege?_

_Richard: That, yeah._

_Eternal: Well, anyway, his second reads — uh . . ._

_Richard: Does it have anything to do with me breaking out of the apartment with men's boxers in my mouth?_

_Eternal: Yes . . ._

_Richard: That was Henry, wearing a Halloween costume of me._

_Henry: No it wasn't!_

_Richard: DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK IN THIS SEGMENT?_

_Eternal: That's my line._

_Richard: Oh, sorry._

_Eternal: DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK IN THIS SEGMENT? DOWN! DOWN!_

_Henry: I hate you guys._

_Amarant: You and me both._

_Richard: Henry is secretly dating Paine from Final Fantasy X2. She wears men's boxers._

_Amarant: Umm . . . eww at Henry's holding underwear in his mouth and eww at them being Paine's._

_Henry: Shut up! We're in love!_

_Richard: Is that your phone ringing?_

_Henry: Brb._

_Eternal:__Anyway, our next question is from Spearofhope, who asks . . . OMG._

_Richard: What?_

_Amarant: What?_

_Henry: SHE'S BREAKING UP WITH ME!!!!_

_Eternal:__THE QUESTION IS FOR RALPH!!!!_

_EVERYONE: NO!_

_Ralph: What?_

_Eternal: Why did you kill Blake?_

_Ralph: Who, that cop dude? People read that? Huh . . . well, I killed him because, well . . . I . . . don't remember. Heh._

_Eternal: Did it have anything to do with waking up the Holy Mother and . . ._

_Ralph: No. I think it's just 'cuz I wanted to bang Emily._

_Eternal: Okay, that's a wrap, see you guys later._

_Amarant: What a way to close the—_

_Eternal: WE'RE LEAVING! NOW!_

_Amarant: Whoa, calm down._

_Richard: I feel like I should have a line here. So I'm saying it._

_Eternal: Next chapter will be up in three years._

_Amarant: Bye everyone._

_Amarant: (He'll post it sometime this week)._

_Eternal: What?_

_Amarant: Why you spyin' on me, ho? MOVE!_

_Eternal: Calm down . . ._

_Amarant: CHECK IT, BITCH!_

_Richard: (Frog, shut the camera off!)_

_Frog: What? I do not controlleth an camera._

_Richard: Wow. Thanks for ruining the cool ending. Now we have to go like we always do. Bitch Frog._

_Frog: Why doth everyone insult me?_

_Eternal: Because we can. Now cut it._

—_End Transmission—_


	13. The Final Chapter

Final Chapter

**Warning: You are reading the Nameless Parody.**

Author: Why are you warning them?

**Uh . . . to keep them safe. Duuuuh . . .**

Author: Uh, okay, yeah, whatever. Anyway, here it is! The final chapter. After three centuries lying deep within my computer, being deleted accidentally, then being rewritten, it has finally been released! Wootox!

— — — _To the actual story — — — _

Henry was the only one left behind.

'Why do I have to walk!?' he screamed. No one answered. Hopeless, Henry began walking down the streets of Silent Hill.

— — — _Two hours later — — — _

'_In the desert . . . You . . . can't . . . remember your name . . . 'cuz there ain't nobody . . . for to . . . give you a name . . ._' Henry chanted incorrectly as he walked sluggishly through the outskirts of town.

Suddenly he stepped on something wrapped in a blanket. It was a baby. Yes, Henry stepped on a baby. All angry emails may be sent to 

'Well . . . we're getting sued,' Henry declared happily. 'Now, about this baby that spontaneously appeared out of nowhere . . .'

Henry looked deep into the baby's eyes. They seemed to call to him . . . '_I'm a baby . . . goo . . . goo . . ._'

'Well, your name is Cheryl!' Henry declared happily. 'Now to go back to Room 302!'

Henry then remembered what 302 was . . .

— _Flashback —_

_Henry woke up and walked out into the living room. Stretching, he itched his balls and went to turn the TV on._

_Suddenly there came an explosion from the kitchen. James stood there with a bottlerocket._

'_You're up!' James said cheerily. 'Now I have a moving target!'_

— _End Flashback —_

— _Just to go to ANOTHER FLASHBACK! —_

_Henry and James are sitting at the kitchen counter with Mike from next door with them, a large box of pizza in front of them. Henry picked up a large piece and brought it to his mouth._

'_FREEZE!' came a loud voice as the door to Room 302 flew off the hinges, tear gas flooded the room, and six SWAT members rolled into the apartment. 'You are under arrest for child pornography!'_

'_What?' Henry screamed._

'_Huh!?' James cried._

'_Damn!' Mike wailed as he turned and jumped out 302's windows._

— _End Flashback —_

— _What? What's this? Oh, oh, ANOTHER FRICKEN FLASHBACK —_

_Everything that happened in the last parody played._

— _End Flashback —_

'I can see,' Henry mused, 'how Room 302 _might_ not be the safest place to raise a child.'

**Since when do you care?**

'I'm the straight man of the story! I'm the smart—wait! Whyare _you_ talking?'

Silence ensued.

— — — _Room 302 — — — _

'I'm so glad that we got Eileen back!' Eileen declared. Everyone else (except James) sighed.

'Miss Calvin!' James cried. 'I'm so glad that we got you back!'

'I'm so glad,' Crono muttered, 'that we wasted an entire story on _her_.'

'Hey!' Auron roared as he picked Crono up and threw him against the wall, making large cracks and blood stains. 'Eileen has had some good moments here!'

— _I'd like you to meet my friend . . . Flashback —_

_Eileen was laying in Room 302, on the couch, snoring loudly, as Henry and James stood there, watching her._

'_How did she get in here?' James whispered._

'_I don't know,' Henry replied in an equally low whisper. 'Did you leave the door open?'_

'_I don't remember leaving it open,' James answered. 'What should we do?'_

_Henry thought a moment. 'We can try to draw her out.'_

'_Good idea!' James concurred. He took his pipe (not that pipe. The long one) and poked her. She stirred, but didn't really move. Henry moved forward cautiously, and poked her once with his finger._

_She drew a deep breath threw her nostrils, and then shot up, lunging at Henry. He dodged and backed out the door. She kept coming, and he leapt through the doorway, shut the door, locked it, chained it, and blocked it with a bulldozer. Not really. He just locked it._

_Five minutes passed. Henry went pee and entered his room to go to bed. He screaemed and fell backward, hitting his head on the wall, falling forward onto the table and knocking his stuff on top of him. Eileen snored loudly on his bed._

— _End Flashback —_

'We all know Henry secretly likes Eileen,' Tom muttered. 'I mean, come on. Look at his pants when Eileen is around.'

'How do you know—' Amarant began, '—nevermind. It's you, Tom. That's enough for me.'

'When's Henry getting back!?' James moaned.

— — — _Outskirts of Quiet Mountain — — — _

The baby was crying.

Henry was on a bus full of demon nurses, who eyed him and his baby very hungrily. The one he sat next to shifted toward him.

'Hi,' Henry greeted nervously with a nod as he looked at the nurse, then down at the baby.

'Hi!' the nurse replied. 'You're . . . you're Henry Townshend!'

'Y-y-yeah?' Henry replied.

'Will you sign my pipe?' it giggled.

'And mine!' cried another.

'Sign my face!' one screamed.

'Sahgin meh-heennna!' one yelled unintelligibly.

'Alrighty!' Henry said enthusiastically as he pulled out the paper-cutting knife that I don't think he picked up in _The Nameless Parody 2_ but oh well nothing really makes sense in this story anyway what do you mean I'm not using commas I use plenty of, commas.

— — — _Five minutes later_ — — —

The nurses were all dead from blood loss, with 'Walter Sullivan was here' carved into their faces and on some pipes. Henry snickered as he got off the bus, twirling the paper-cutting knife in his hand. The driver of the bus (a Gum Head) was face down in a pool of his own blood. 'Ralph Derrecks was here' was written on his neck.

The baby was still crying, but Henry had put his hand over its mouth as he got his bearings. Once he had his bearings, he put them on, and then tried to think of where they were. A huge sign that said 'Ashfield' hung up in the distance.

'I'm going to assume that this is Ashfield.'

His assumption was correct.

— — — _In Hell — — — _

Walter Sullivan woke up, having just been sent through the portal by Wallace; he passed through time, however, and it's the current date. He stretched and stood up, then realised that he was in Hell.

'I wonder if Satan will remember me . . .' he wondered as he made his way to the river Styx.

Suddenly he heard 'Walter? _Walter Sullivan_?' The voice was not pleasant.

'_Ralph_ . . .' Walter muttered in horror. He turned around and there . . .

. . . _**WAS RALPH DERRECKS!!1010101111 OMGZORZ!**_

'Walter!' Ralph screamed as he leapt at Walter and hugged him. 'I missed you, I missed you, I missed you! Oh, oh, oh, I did the _21 Blessings_ instead of the Sacraments, and, oh, I killed a lot of people, and, and, then some fag and his girlfriend stopped me! Oh, I wanted to see you for forever! We've got to catch up!'

Walter pushed Ralph off of him. 'Oh, man, this . . . this is . . . this is weird. I haven't seen you in ages. I was kinda hoping it would stay that way . . .'

Ralph screamed shrilly like a girl and then leapt up and down. 'We're gonna have slumber parties and cookouts and pillow fights and we're gonna listen to classic rock as we drive off into the sunset—'

Suddenly Ralph was knocked backward forcefully. A shadowy figure stood in the shadows.

'Greetings, Monsieur Sullivan. I am A Guy.'

'Cool, what your name be?' Monsieur Sullivan replied.

'Who I am is not important,' the figure said as it came out of the shadow, in a suit, tie, with black hair and a sour face, and a nametag that said '_**Hello, my name **__**Dr. Kaufmann **_'.

'Dr. Kaufmann!' Walter yelled, 'author of "_How to Make a Demon Girl Mad at You For No Reason So She Envelops A Whole Town in Fog and Darkness and Sends Monsters Out of Her Subconscious To Kill People And Stuff, I Don't Know_"?'

'And,' Kaufmann added, '"_The Concealed Weapon Book on Concealed Weapons_".'

'Wow, stellar!' Walter cried. 'What do you want with me?'

'I want you to join me. I am heading an organisation of video game vil—I mean, criminal felon people. Yeah. That stuff.'

'So where do I come in?'

Kaufmann paused. 'Uh . . . I just said I want you to join me.'

'How much is the job?'

'I don't even understand that question.'

'Count me in,' Walter said as the camera did a close-up on him and his eyes narrowed like it was an action movie or something.

Kaufmann looked around doubtfully as he shrugged. 'Cool, I guess.'

'What happens to Ralph?' Walter asked, looking at the unconscious . . . guy.

'He can come too.'

'Aww carp.'

'You mean crap.'

'Oh, how stupid of me. Thanks you.'

'Uh . . . thank you?'

'What would I do without you? Thank again!'

'Yeah . . .' Kaufmann said as he walked away, Walter following him.

— — — _South Ashfield Heights — — —_

Henry walked up to Room 302 and moved to open the door handle.

The door flew open and James leapt out, screaming '_Suprise!_' Everyone behind him shrugged.

'Henry!' Eileen screamed as she leapt into his arms.

'Gaah!' Henry yelled. 'Get her off, get her off!' He swatted her away and eventually she relented, giggling. 'Check out what I got.' He pulled the baby out.

— — — _Five minutes later — — — _

Tom, Maria, Eileen, James, and Robo were all making plans for what the baby would wear and how its room would look, what it'd eat and who its favourite band would be.

Henry, Richard, Crono, Frog, and Auron sat at the counter of the kitchen. Amarant had a huge bottle of Jim Beam, pouring glasses.

'Hit me,' Henry said as he put his glass down. Richard reared up and socked him square in the jaw, knocking him onto the ground. Henry got up and fumed. 'Not literally!'

Amarant sighed and took a swig of the alcohol; then he pulled a stool out and sat on it. The stool cracked under his weight, sending him on his ass right to the floor and slamming his head against the coffee table. '_FUCK!_' he screamed as he looked to his side. '_I SPILLED THE BOOZE!_'

Auron stood up and pulled his sword out. '_**HOW DARE YOU SPILL THE BOOZE YOU UNCOORDINATED MOTHERFUCKER! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING NUTS OFF! DON'T EVER SPILL MY GODDAMN LIQUOR OR I'LL KILL EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR! FUCKING SHIT! FUCK!**_'

'Whoa, calm down, Auron,' Henry said.

'_**YOU CALM DOWN! I'M FUCKING PISSED!**_'

'You will scare the baby!' Maria scolded as she stood up.

'_**FUCK THAT BABY!**_' Auron raged as he threw his sword at her. Maria ducked it and Tom stood up.

'You wanna start something?' he yelled.

'_**WHAT IF I DO!?**_' Auron challenged.

'Then you go and you start something and you stick with it!' Tom said as he sat down and drank a cup of tea.

— — — _Later that Night — — — _

'God . . . damnit . . .'

Henry lay in bed with Eileen beside him who was talking about how pink her room was and how she owned Walter in _Synthesizer Hero_ and how she liked Henry and how courageous and big and strong he was. Henry just lay there and thought about the baby. Since he couldn't trust Tom, Maria couldn't watch the baby in their room while everyone slept. So the only alternative was . . .

— — — _The Laundry Room — — — _

'Crono! Get mine binky!' Frog bellowed as he rocked Cheryl to sleep, who was crying.

'Why do you have a binky?' Crono asked in horror.

''Tis not _mine_ binky, 'twas an metaphor!'

'I sure hope your gayness doesn't rub off on her,' Robo beeped as he pulled out a binky and stuffed it in Cheryl's mouth.

Crono thought for a moment. 'I do,' he said after a while, grinning largely to himself.

— — — _The Bedroom — — —_

'Well, this has been one fnyerged up day,' Henry declared. Eileen giggled.

'How about I thank you for saving me!' she said as she crawled toward Henry.

'Wait, we can't do it now,' Henry sighed. 'Let's wait 'til tomorrow night.'

'Okay,' Eileen said, not caring too much because she's, well, Eileen. 'Good night Henry! Good night Author! Good night both Announcers!'

Author: Good night, Eileen.

**Good night, Eileen.**

— — — _Good night, babe — — — _

Henry sighed. 'Good night, and sweet dreams, James.'

'Good night,' James said from between Henry and Eileen.

_IT'S OVER!!_

_**Yeah! Now we're in bold!**_

_**Anyway, it's time for the last "Quality Time With Ricardo Brainfart" until the next parody.**_

_**Amarant: I'm . . . so . . . sad, I guess.**_

_**EternalFlare: Really?**_

_**Amarant: If you pay me enough I'll try.**_

_**Richard: I for one don't care. I gotta answer questions for, like, six billion other parodies.**_

_**Amarant: Richard, a human doesn't live for a billion seconds. You could not have that many parodies to answer for, serially.**_

_**Richard: I exist in all times and multiverses, so I just have my alternate versions do the work.**_

_**Amarant: And you stick around for this parody?**_

_**Richard: Who said I'm the real Richard Brainfart?**_

_**EternalFlare: I did.**_

_**Richard: Oh.**_

_**EternalFlare: Spearofhope:**_ _**Are you, after all this, ever going to die permanently? or possibly be reicarnated? Or are you just a ghost from here on in? and if you haven't been mediating on the Holiest of holies, the one true Egoraptor, then why not? Get on that..."**_

_**Richard: I am officially a ghost. Not like the 'boo' shit, I'm 'Come near me and I'll eat your soul'. I can never die, nor can I ever be destroyed in any way. In death I have achieved double awesome, as zombies are awesome, and gun-toting, swearing ass holes are awesome. And I currently am in the process of returning to the Shrine of Egoraptor. Many of you know it as where Darkcomet's Walter got his trench coat. I picked it out. He never mentions me. I hope that answers your question, spearofhope. Please mail again!**_

_**EternalFlare: Wow, that was enthusiastic. Next and last question for this story. Darkcomet: "Richard do you live in a land of confusion? Or do you live in an existence filled with monkeys who have balloons for heads and are attacked by bananas on a daily basis? Or just a white room with black curtains?"**_

_**Richard: I happen to live in room 207 of South Ashfield Heights. But I once did visit the country 'Landoconfushin'. There were monkeys that had balloons for heads, and they were attacked by bananas. But the thing I find most peculiar, is . . . how do you know that I stayed in a hotel with white paint and black curtains? Is that you Ultimecia? Is that restraining order lifted? Cuz I wasn't notified!**_

_**Amarant: Hey, I didn't barely talk at all this time.**_

_**EternalFlare: No one likes you.**_

_**Amarant: They like me more than you!**_

_**EternalFlare: Oh yeah? We'll see.**_

**For all five of you who read this story, a new poll is up. Vote for your favourite character, or vote for Maria just to make her feel better! Or maybe vote for Eileen so she'll sleep with you! Maybe you could vote for me so I don't kill you! Your choice!**

_**EternalFlare: So that's a wrap, folks. I'll see you guys on The Nameless Parody 4. Updates not guaranteed . . .**_

_**Amarant: See ya.**_

_**Richard: What he said.**_


End file.
